#the way things travel from tumblr to other sites is just. so fucking weird

[manichewitz]

im going insane over this tweet because absolutely no one in the comments knew about ea-nasir?? no one had even heard about this or seen this photo before?? like??? i fully forgot that the story of ea-nasir and his mid copper is not an important historical event outside of tumblr dot com. i feel like i’ve been transported into a different and worse reality and i would like to go back

[dyke-terra]

PLEASE talk about your Alison Chao if you haven't already I would love to hear more about her

*rubs hands together excited*

I’m so glad you asked! First off, I’m everhue on the Wanderer’s Library site, and a lot of my thoughts here come from/are expressed in short stories I wrote there. Some of which got deleted because of the voting system, which is a large part of why I don’t post there anymore. Seemed like a waste. But I think are a few there.

To explain my Allison Chao(s)— I have three— I need to explain my interpretation of SCP Foundation lore, or at least the magic, Library, and multiverse lore.

In my interpretation of the world, there’s three ways to affect reality. There’s the normal, boring ways — with your hands, by talking to people, etc. Non anomalous. Follows predictable and literal rules. Then there’s magic, which follows more esoteric and metaphorical rules but is still relatively consistent. Anyone can do magic if they learn how, through performing rituals, chanting spells, using enchanted objects, etc. It’s more flexible than physics, but in order to do anything new, you need to build on what’s been done before. Basically sufficiently advanced and weird science. Your traditional dnd wizardry falls into this.

The third way is reality warping, which is entirely narrative based. You can’t trust anything to work twice, unless you can. Everything about reality warping is contextual. It’s chaotic and impossible to predict, unless it isn’t. If you’ve listened to Mabelpod, then that’s the vibe of reality warping to me. Some people are really good at convincing reality to do what they want, while other people make it harder to change the world around them thanks to their realness. I personally like the interpretation of Dr Clef where he’s a reality anchor and also separately likes to fuck with people.

These are less solid distinctions and more points on a spectrum. All magic actually originally comes from reality warping that’s been repeated enough— the narrative has solidified to the point where it’s just part of reality. All the science stuff and containment procedures are as much a way to tame the anomalous and then it into magic. So long as you follow the containment procedures— the rituals — then it won’t get out. This is also how the anomalous world manages to stay hidden despite the impossibility of keeping a secret that big — it’s a spell that everyone who stays up late at night paranoid is casting again and again.

So, coming to the Library. The Library isn’t a real place. It’s an idea. The platonic idea of a library, of home. The Serpent, which is also the Library, is simultaneously the most powerful reality warper and reality that’s been warped. I came up with this stuff before I read the Scholomance books by Naomi Novak, but there’s a lot of parallels there. Except there’s no dark secret with the Library— she’s basically the result of human yearning for knowledge and safety. She’s massive and infinite, but she also takes up no space at all. All that space is folded in on itself. The people that live in her are the realest part of her. The Ways are part of her, but also their own thing. They’re manifestations of the experience of travel, reality warped by the collective desire to just be there already. They can hypothetical take you to any universe within the infinite multiverse, but in practice, they don’t.

The multiverse is actually infinite, since enough people believe in that, but people’s conception of what infinity looks like is actually quite limited. For example, you might be able to conceive of a universe where humanity’s made it to space or where the South won the American Civil War or where you’re on Reddit instead of tumblr, but what about what you can’t concieve of? If the rules of physics weren’t what they are, what would reality look like? Every alien in fiction is in some way based on what life looks like on Earth, even if that’s through trying to be the opposite. If the multiverse is infinite, surely there must be universes we can’t understand. But how would you travel to somewhere that operates by different rules, narratively? You don’t usually. So universes tend to end up in constellations. Very very big constellations, don’t get me wrong, but everything that’s been written on the SCP foundation— save the stuff that so deeply contradicts the rest of this that it’s not worth trying to reconcile— is part of one constellation of universes.

Finally, we get to the idea of being multiversally common. I promise, we’re almost to Allison Chao. This is important, or at the very least, I enjoyed writing it out. Multiversally common is nearly synonymous with “narratively relevant,” but not always. If you’re familiar with the phenomenon of kinning, then the most multiversally common character in a work would be one that shows up on the most kin lists. You could make a religion out of this, probably, but I wouldn’t recommend it because it’d be a hassle. They’re also the characters that are most likely to be included in alternate universes or have fic about them. Obviously protagonists are going to be common, but there’s also other types. For example, if you’re going to write a DC comics Elseworlds miniseries about the end of the world to zombies or vampires, then you wouldn’t necessarily follow a character like John Constantine or Zatanna but they’d probably show up to say, “yeah, there’s some weird magic here.”

A lot of my thoughts on this, the ones that aren’t based in broader observations about the nature of narratives, come from the Black Queen hub. Namely, where it says “there is always.” That seemed unlikely to me, because surely if there’s an infinite multiverse, then there’s got to be worlds where there isn’t. So, multiversally common— there is always an Allison Chao in narratively relevant universes. She isn’t necessarily a reality warper as much as she is a manifestation of warped reality. Any individual Allison Chao might be real, but they’re also part of a broader story. Even their refusal to engage with the narrative is part of the narrative.

So finally, we get to mine. All three of them, actually. Allison Chao (Sparrow), Allison Chao (Checkers), and Allison Chao (the Reaper). Sparrow is the most similar to most people’s interpretations, I think. She has the forgetability hat, she’s known by LS and Black Queen to different people, she leads a splinter group of the serpent’s hand. She’s also a trans lesbian and kind of a tankie. She’s well read on Marxist theory and magic alike, although she prefers to use already enchanted objects, amulets, and charms rather than mess around and try to make things herself. She’s very focused on her own reality and Earth and has done a good job of adding to the collective Black Queen notes, even if visitors sometimes accuse her of bias. Her cell is also on the more aggressive side as far as Serpent’s Hand goes. She self identifies as a freedom fighter, others would label her a terrorist.

That’s true for almost all Serpent’s Hand groups, but in her case, it’s not entirely unfounded. She’s focused on the Foundation to the point of exclusion and is willing to negotiate with groups like MC&D, which her much less narratively important ex-girlfriend (and my oc) Quetzal, who leans much more towards anarchism and prefers to be more of a nuisance to every group defending the status quo rather than focus their energy on one group, calls her out for being a hypocrite about. Sparrow also only semi ironically kins the Doctor from Doctor Who. This was on Quetzal’s call out post too.

Checkers comes from me reading a few articles about Three Portlands and seeing off handedly mentioned that an Allison Chao was on the roller derby team. Three Portlands is kind of like the Library, except she’s both more and less tied to individual realities. There’s only one/three of her in any particular universe. Where the Library is another plane in periphery to every universe, any iteration of Three Portlands is a pocket dimension tied to the corresponding Earth at three points. It’s a college town. Checkers goes to Deer College for a post graduate degree. She’s transgender and bisexual. She’s also a Marxist-Leninist, but instead of doing terrorism, she publishes essays in various journals. She gets her anger out in roller derby. She travels the multiverse on occasion but mostly for research. She’s in a severe academic feud with a genuinely impressive number of alternate selves, including Sparrow, as well as half the academic anomalous community. She’s made out with the captain of the Global Occult Coalition’s school’s derby team. Autistic and bipolar.

The Reaper is a weird one, because she didn’t actually start life as an Allison Chao. She’s very VERY loosely based on a character from a YouTube series, since I liked some of the ideas explored but didn’t really feel comfortable with the creators. Her universe is the least like the “normal” SCP foundation setting. Her world is in an ambiguously historical setting, with most cities, towns, and buildings being vaguely medieval, but she frequently references modern literature that doesn’t make any sense in that context. She’s an anarchist and frequently quotes Proudhon, Bachunin, etc. She has the forgetability hat, but she mostly uses that for sneaking rather than in combat. She claims she found the Library by “getting lost,” although this doesn’t really make sense. She shouldn’t be able to access the Black Queen notes because she doesn’t have a computer. She does anyway. She’s a fairly powerful reality warper on account of (potentially deliberately) not realizing what she’s doing. She’s also an alchemist and writes surprisingly good romance novels. Arguably a terrorist. Trans girl and in at least five different homoerotic rivalries at any given times but not emotionally intelligent enough to notice. Probably gay, definitely ADHD and autistic.

Thanks for asking! It’s been too long since I’ve thought about them.

[crediblebombthreat]

Tumblr Day 5ish De-Brief

I wanted to post this here so I can look back on it in disgust or curiosity later, not necessarily because I think anyone needs to read it. This is a bit of a long post, by the way. Consider before clicking.

It's very strange coming back here after seeing glimpses of it in the mid 2010s and seeing that it's basically the same. There's less porn and the overall post quality seems to have gone up slightly -- but the fundamental soul of the site is still the same one it was before metrics, engagement, and algorithms started to define what the internet was on a metaphysical (for lack of a better term) level. Ironically, the only other places I know of like this are the boards on 4chan too niche or pretentious to assimilate the flood of low-quality posts from rightoids that are either 16 or 47 years old. Everywhere else on the internet that people spend time on has an invisible coating of unreality over it.

This isn't to say that tumblr is immune -- you have things like Blaze -- but spending real money for notes isn't the point of the site.

If I find something fucked up and weird on YouTube, for example, it's like when an AI lets you win at chess. YouTube's algorithm knows I like weird videos, and this video has been determined by a network of keywords to be weird. The same (or very, very similar) applies to TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, and Reddit (although the userbase is delusional and denies this -- go figure, they're redditors).

If I see something fucked up and weird on tumblr it's a result of the ever-churning slurry of content organically burping up a post from 2013 because a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend reblogged it a week ago. There is also a possibility that the person posting a sped up .gif of a caterpillar eating a leaf with the caption "ummm sh eis my fukcign sister!!!" payed upwards of $150 for me to see it, which is surreal in its own, different, way.

Because of this (and despite the culture of detachment), everything feels a bit more sincere. Which is definitely sometimes a weakness -- tumblr twee creates some of the most cloying garbage I've ever seen -- but it also sets up situations where (unlike everywhere else on the internet) the news that travels fastest isn't always bad news.

I imagine most users of tumblr are either aware of this or just take it for granted, but for a relative outsider it's a it's a good control on the direction the rest of the internet is going. Or, more accurately, where it is right now. I notice a general feeling of unease and dissatisfaction coming from a lot of people who use the internet for something other than a continuous stream of entertainment. Even dedicated internet trolls mourn for the days when you could dissolve the social fabric of a forum by using "(:" instead of ":)". As opposed to now where every online argument is a different flavor of the same three topics; all soaked in self-important moralism, and often framed through a reductive political lens -- the worst impulses of the 2010s internet concentrated and refined.

This isn't to say that the process of something gaining popularity and losing some of the quirks you appreciated about it, or the slow erosion of a medium is unnatural or anything. It's been happening since the dawn of time. It is, however, strange that it's happening to people in their teens and twenties rather than people in their forties and fifties.

The bad news is: as things reach new heights of profitability in capitalism, they are further alienated from a human element. The good news is: literally everyone is acutely aware of that, even if it's subconscious. It's why we still watch competitive chess between two people and why I believe AI art is nowhere near as catastrophic as one might think (among a few other reasons).

And because of that good news, tumblr will probably stay the correct type of shitty in the long-run. I don't see a world where there exists a corporate entity competent enough to algo-monetize tumblr while still retaining a userbase. And I DEFINITELY don't see a world where that hypothetical corporate entity would willingly buy tumblr.

I have other thoughts about the possible futures of the internet, but that's more applicable to a Substack article rather than a musing tumblr post. Additionally, all outcomes other than "capital snakes its way deeper into the processes of communication and we are helpless but to watch" must take into account that "capital snakes its way deeper into the processes of communication and we are helpless but to watch" is the most likely outcome considering nothing crazy happens.

But hey, something crazy usually happens.

[szivtalan]

1, 3, 9, 13, 16, 20, 23, 25, 26, 30, 38, 40, 42, 43, 44, 45, 48, 49, 50, 56, 64, 69, 73, 74, 79, 84, 87, 94 for the recent ask list you reblogged please?

Aw thank you!!! Right away ma’am

1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed???? What kinda psycho leaves the closet doors open,,, also, they’re just right in front of my bed so it would be nightmare fuel in the dark

3) Can You Whistle?

I sure can, but I Cannot hold a tune

9) How Many Followers?

111 and I love all of u

13) Do You Sing In The Shower?  

Not always, but I usually blast my music from my phone, and then Sometimes I also sing along

16) Favourite Anime?

I’m KuroBasu trash first and a person second, but I just have to say Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. It’s so damn good

20) Do You Dance In The Car?

I don’t really travel by car these days and when I do someone else is giving me a lift and I don’t want to be rude or distracting so...nah?

23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Uhhhhhhhhh midnight? Earlier when I’m working the morning shift, but I usually can’t sleep before midnight

25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

I’ve never swum in the ocean before but I do prefer natural bodies of water!

26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

I don’t think I have one asdfhd tumblr user @homiro has some rlly good takes tho I like having their posts on my dash

30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? 

It really depends with me! Sometimes music helps me focus, other times it’s just entirely too distracting

38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?  

I try to save it, but most of the time I’ll give in to the urge to treat myself. Or think about a thing I’ve wanted for a long time, think “why the hell don’t I buy it now? I have the money” and end up with a piercing, a binder, and a new tattoo

40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?  

I might be a liiiittle obsessed with Jake’s playlists right now, but I have been for a while. Idk, things are a little more tame these days for me? I think I just don’t have time for one since I’m working all the time ashdjd

42)  Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?  

Sure I am! I pick up other people’s vocabularies, humor, sense of style, talking, behavior to the point where I feel like I lost all sense of individuality

43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Extremely. They’re all fucking weird - those i remember, at least.

44)  Do You Like Going On Airplanes?  

Never been on one!

48) Are You A Picky Eater?  

I’m not, I just don’t eat any vegetables or fruits.

49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?  

Not really, but I wouldn’t say I’m a light sleeper, either. I tend to wake up to noises, light, a person moving around in bed me, and idk if it’s the same thing but I also have a terribly hard time falling asleep most of the time.

50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?  

I....yea... I guess. It’s not really pleasant.

56) What Are You Craving Right Now?  

Mmmm fruit juice. Some cuddles. A proper binder, and a tattoo?

64) Favourite Social Media?

why do you think i spend so much time on this damned site

69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

I’ve always wanted to sleep in a car, but also, crappy motel rooms sound so Fun so??? I guess I’m getting lost for two nights and try both

73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

I have a few that I think about a lot, like “it’s going to get better” and “If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward then, brother, that person is a piece of shit.”

79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?  

....perhaps, in my obsessive sims-playing days, or when I was binging shows

84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?  

1) asked one of our regular customers about where in the US he’s from (New York. my friend and I made a bet on it and this meant that I lost)

2) bought a zero Red Bull

3) watched two episodes of Des (2020) and in the meantime, cleaned my desk and stretched

87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Niight. I’m way more comfortable at night about everything, and just plain more energized.

94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Aside from the things I’ve already named, I’d say... music? Even those that make me want to jump and yell would sooth my soul.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

[sights-on-the-scifi]

Something strange about how characters are interpreted in MASS EFFECT.

Through my internet travels, from fanfiction sites, deviantart, tumblr, twitter etc.

There has always been this very strange and weird resistance when it comes to treating/interpreting a character’s less... “Virtuous” attributes.

Characters in ME who are considered good by fans have done some pretty fucked up and evil shit in the universe and its narrative. Often times there seems to be this discomfort in talking about it. Like... No one really wants to acknowledge it.

Garrus is my best pal he can do no wrong... While he steps on and compresses a mans throat or casually talks about that time he did not give a damn about civilian causalities in ME1.

There is this need to feel like the fictional characters we invest ourselves so heavily into are not "Bad people” or “Have been bad people” and I can only respond to that with... Why? 

My first guess, which is probably the most obvious to anyone. It is the desire to feel like one has a sense of ownership of them as they validate. comfort or entertain ones own beliefs and biases. Which is completely natural of course.

But there are good and bad sides to everyone and even most importantly ourselves that are too important to ignore or dismiss, including the characters we love and hold so near and dear to our hearts. We should accept that contrast, not run way from it and try to just rationalise it all away. There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking a character you love did something wrong in MASS EFFECT, You should never feel ashamed for seeing weakness and flaws in yourself or people in fiction.

Paragon/renegade exists to show this dynamic.

The writers of this series have explicitly stated in interviews that they intended for their characters to be recognised for their good and most certainly also their evil.

Even Shepard is noble enough to admit that he is not a perfect individual here in this cut dialogue or other instances throughout the series. Being imperfect and flawed is part of being human, there is no doubt in my mind that each and everyone of us has done something terrible in our lives. We either choose to ignore that or deeply regret it. Admitting that is a virtue, the gift of sentience and the ability to grow as people.

Soldiers everyday commit murder, even though they act in self defence it is still ultimately the intentional destruction of human life for political, moral, selfish or materialistic ends. In all likelihood these individuals outside of the battlefield are honourable and empathetic people, but it is not a bad thing to admit that at the end of the day what they are trained to do and do everyday is inherently immoral or wrong.

When writing my own characters i’m going to ensure I make them as flawed and imperfect as any other sentient individual on this earth because it is true to life. And can also be incredibly helpful to people who struggle with crisis of conscious.

[johnny-boy-17]

STAR VS THE FORCES OF EVIL or The Art Student’s Awakening (A Review)

Oh hey, it’s another review by me that nobody asked for! Ok, this one is actually gonna mean a lot to me since this show is pretty much the reason I even started posting things on this site to begin with (thank you and curse you Tumblr), so I need to get it all off my chest. 

Short version: It’s really fuckin’ good, and y’all should check it out. The ending could have used a little more finesse, but it’s still pretty damn good.

Long version: *gasps for air*

Ok let’s start with the story. Yeah, it’s certainly a rollar-coaster. What starts out as a fun little-romp-of-the-week type of story...

...becomes this tale of power corruption, racism battle, and a tale of trust in one another and unity among the people.

Whether or not it handles that well seems to be half and half. On one hand, grace under fire this show is not. It does seem a little rushed in the last season, and you can really tell it wanted to be a bit longer, flesh out ideas, but didn’t have time for it (I blame the Mouse on that). 

I mean I dunno about you, but a show that introduces time travel right the fuck out of nowhere in a medium never seems to end well, this show is no exception.

That and they reeeeeaaaaaally try to knock you unconscious using a hammer with all the prejudice allegories.

On the other hand, good characters can make a shit story seem like high-class art. And good characters this show has in spades (no eclipsa-related pun intended).

Firstly, Star Butterfly herself. It seems stupid not to start with her. And... yeah she’s a really fun protagonist. Not only is she basically Sailor Moon hyped up on too much nose candy, but she has an incredible story of growth to go with. She starts as a fun-loving monster battler that’s too eager to run away from her problems to this teenager facing the looming shadow of adulthood head on and ready to ditch her past of monster-ism(?) for good, never to let such discrimination see the light of day again. Not to mention Eden Sher just absolutely brings this character to life, even if it’s just little things she says like “yeah totally totally totally” or “we got burger juice on the wall rug.” Something in her performance just absolutely friggin’ works wonders. I’d say she’s probably one of my favorite protagonists out there that “the big D” has come up with, but my favorte character they’ve created in a looooong time? That award... 

... goes to mother-fuckin’ Marco Ubaldo Diaz. I cannot BELIEVE how much they won me over with this guy. I think it’s because I saw so much of myself in this guy to the point where I am convinced he’s my long-lost brother. This B0I starts out as this paranoid play-it-safe ‘nother brick in the wall type who just wants to get through his teenage life without any kind of trouble, and by the end is a guy who’s ready to shrug off getting impaled by an evil unicorn being ridden by a corrupted version of Star’s half-demon ex just to get him to snap out of it (it just now dawns on me how fuckin’ batshit this show is). I just love how as he’s easing up on his paranoia, he learns to stop taking himself so seriously and let loose every now and then. Adam McAruther deserves praise for playing this guy, and I don’t know who could ever play this guy like he did. If no other takeaways for this show were to be, it’d be that Marco is in a lineup of my favorite fictional characters of all time.

Now I sense some ears (ok fine all ears) are waiting for me to talk about the two together, so I’ll touch on it once, and make an entire post on it later: It’s great. It’s pleasing to the eye, it’s wholesome for the soul, it makes them both into better beings, the opposite attracts thing is done beautifully, the chemistry could make Bill Nye proud, and I think their ending was as good as it could be for them... though I do hate how long it took to get there. 

OK LIGHTNING ROUND GO (can’t get ‘em al, so sorry):

-Tom: I like the guy, definitely a more relatable and visible character arc and his design is neat.

-Jackie: I wish my lesbian venice beach girl got more appreciation, but I luv her none the less.

-Janna: I luv my strange bisexual filipino witch-wannabee (you know what I said is true don’t deny it)

-Moon: Never really gave her full trust, but was not disappointed by her in any way, despite various actions in the end.

-River: I liked him in the beginning season, sorta trailed off by the end.

-Kelly: Not sure why she was there, but she was cool.

-Eclipsa: We stan that queen! Loved the fact that her motives were so grey, and you every could tell if she was going to turn out to be truly bad or not.

-Globgor: We stan that king! I adored how he actually was a threat back in his day, but now regrets everything he ever did then (plus him size shifting in fights is creative as hell), wish we could have had more of him, but it’s cool that we got any at all really.

-Glossaryck: I loved him, true chaotic neutral god. He was such a troll, and he has my respect (and to think all he wanted to do was die).

 -Ponyhead: I hope that sack of shit gets donated to a glue factory.

But what is a good story without good villains? Well, this show wants to have a ton of good ones, but nothing really sticks to the wall too well, though they do leave an impact.

LUDO: This is how to do  a comedic villain right. You have fun with him in the beginning, and then you make him into a legit threat the next, and by the end give him a redemption arc so as to let him go back on his old ways without soiling his actual good moments as an antagonist. He was the one who surprised me the most.

TOFFEE: Ooooohhhhhhhhh everybody loves this lawyer-lizard B0I and so do I. This guy’s plan was 1: not evil at all, 2: his methods were borderline black and grey, and 3: it was still going on in the background of the story of the entire show since his arival. His personality was cool, suave, persuasive, manipulative, downright terrifying sometimes, and he was just so good at it. While everyone certainly wishes we had more of him, what we got and how long le lasted just cements him as probably one of my all-time favorite villains ever really.

Ms. HEINOUS/METEORA: Oh shakespeare where art thou? Such a wondrous work this tragedey is. Heinous just starts out as a villain who pushes the patriarchy so you can say “fuck that shit,” tries to steal youth for herself, wants to kill Marco for ruining her perfection, y’know yahoo. But the moment you realize her name is Meteora, and what her past has been like... yeah, this is a fuckin’ shakespearian villain for certain. It gets to a point where you begin to agree with what she’s doing, and you’re glad thing turn out all right for her in the end, but god-damn she was such a captivating force to go up against. Scar can suck one compared to this.

MINA LOVEBERRY: I wanna say this was a good attempt at an Aku-type villain (humor and terror in perfect balance), but yeah she could have been handled better. For what we did get with her though, I’m content with it. It’s just funny to see hobo-usagi here just hulk out and talk with a southern accent about what is essentially senile racism n’ shit. There are hints to a tragic past that led to this, and that was nice, but overall not exactly a swan song.

In fact, that’s kinda how the whole ending was wasn’t it? It was serviceable, but nothing big to write home about. I could have definitely used a little more polish to flesh out some things, but we got left with enough to tide over I suppose, though I so wanna see more. 

I mean, look at this new world we were left with! Could you imagine a new season just exploring that? It sounds like so much fun! However, the crew have this “leave them wanting more mentality (ha! hope you were paying attention to that foreshadowing!),” not to mention I have seen the creator Madame Daron Nefcy encourage all the creative fans this show has to do all sorts of stuff (of which we seemed to have wasted no time and not even waited for the show to end to start doing *glares at the fan-made-starco kids everywhere*).

Really, at the end of it all, I’d compare this entire series to a friend doing a cannonball from a high-dive. First, you’re amazed that they decided to climb the ladder. Second, you’re in awe of the guts their showing to prepare for the jump. Third, you gawk as they actually did jump off into the water from the height. But fourth, you see them underwater and watch them un form the ball and into a weird janky zero-gravity water thing swimming up for air, not to mention you remembered they didn’t swan dive. But that doesnt mean the plunge was all that bad, you enjoyed watching all the steps to it, didn’t you?

Overall, the score I shall leave it at would be... 7.5/10, and an easy thumbs up approval. It’s ending and other aspects have a lot to be desired, but the story and characters are too good to ignore. 

Check it out if you haven’t already (probably binge it), and to Madame Nefcy (if by some stroke of a miracle you see this) thank you so much for creating this show. I am so glad I saw it despite my gripes, and I’d gladly see it again.

[tessatechaitea]

Team Titans #24

Zero Hour is here, business itches!

Ending sentences with "bitches" has always been a super fun way to emphasize a sentence and pretend that you're about to cap a motherfucker in the ass. But since I'm trying to stop using the word "bitches" and my friends all keep yelling at me that my replacement word, "retards," is way worse, I needed to come up with a word that rhymes with bitches. I'm not sure "business itches" works perfectly but it almost sounds like I'm jazzing up bitches in a white person trying to be more urban kind of way. And I don't mean "black" when I say "urban," although I wouldn't argue with somebody who says I did just that. I don't have time to go to law school at one of the top fourteen elite colleges just to learn how to argue that lies are truth and truth are lies! But I do have time to say, "We'll just have to agree to disagree!" What about "Zero Hour is here, Quidditchers!"? No? You know who the most tiresome people in the world are? People who constantly declare that we can't say anything anymore. You can say whatever you want! But you're expressing something inherent in yourself when you go to bat for specific things you want to keep saying. I don't know what the things people can't say anymore are because they never tell you specifically the things they want to keep saying that they can't. Which seems telling, doesn't it? It's as if they want their argument to seem reasonable by including a bunch of things that they can't comprehend people being angry at them for saying. Maybe things like "kittens" or "can of beer" or "onstage masturbation cage." But they never say anything that makes me think, "Whoa. You shouldn't say that," when they say that people can't say anything anymore. Give me some examples! But you know you won't get any examples because then they'll have to defend wanting to say some things that might make people ask, "What kind of person wants to keep saying that?!" Some dumb people might feel the gears in their brain beginning to spring to life, leading them to respond, "But didn't you just say you're not going to say 'bitches' and that your friends yell at you for saying 'retards'?! See? You can't say anything anymore!" To those people, I'd just like to point out that A. I just said both of those words so you're wrong and B. I've made the personal choice not to use certain language in casual ways. My use of the word "retards" in the previous context was carefully chosen for the joke. You'll notice I didn't call anybody that no matter how slow the gears in their brains took to spring to life. Plus, I have also used the word "dumb" at the beginning of this sentence which would get some people up in arms at me. But even if they messaged me and said, "You're an ableist motherfucker, you motherfucker!" (but with a word that probably isn't shaming people who fuck mothers. I actually don't know any curse words that somebody can't make problematic with a hot take!), remember that thing I said about law school? I don't have time to learn to argue these things! Maybe at some future date, I'll come around to their way of thinking and stop calling stupid morons dumb (and maybe morons too (and stupid? Is stupid bad?!)) but until then, I don't feel like I can't say it just because some people get mad at me for saying it. I'll take the verbal haranguing and just get on with my life. And if I feel that they've made a great point, maybe I'll apologize. I mean, I won't apologize or admit I did anything wrong! But maybe I'll surreptitiously change my behavior in the future! We can't all be fucking Tumblr saints like Wil Motherfucking Wheaton! Man, I really heard it that time. The term "motherfucker" is really problematic! The people with the slowest gears in their brains probably just finally spat out the term "virtue-signaler" after reading all of that. Interesting how a certain type of people who think they can't say anything anymore have come up with a specific term to shout at people saying things they'd rather those people didn't say. It's weird how they ignore how being angry that they can't say certain things sort of signals their anti-virtue? I mean, that might not be true but there's an easy way to prove me wrong: be specific with the things you can't say when you say you can't say anything. If you just want to call your dog fat in public, you might want to realize that, by not expressing that specific expression, people might think you want to spout the n-word willy-nilly. See how maybe you'd want to clarify that? Unless, I mean, is it possible you just want to go around saying the n-word? Normally, I'd actually type out the n-word in a conversation like this. But you can't say anything anymore! Without consequences, I mean! You know, I think I'd be fine with their argument if they just added "without consequences" to the end of it. It would be a hell of a lot more honest. "But it makes life so hard when you have to deal with repercussions!" For transparency's sake, I just did a search of the word "nigger" on my site and found it used in seventeen different reviews (eighteen counting this one now too, I suppose!) which seems like an awful lot (even considering I've got over four thousand reviews. That's less than half of a percent! I guess I have to admit to being 0.5% racist now. Hmm, that seems like a lot written out like that. I am the monster everybody has been telling me I am!). Most of the entries seem to be discussions on the conservative use of the word thug as a stand-in for the n-word or discussing the "euphemism treadmill." A few of them are discussing Quentin Tarantino. At least one was me parodying Xbox users. Obviously none of them were derogatory or meant to be hurtful. But a few may have been too casual and edgelord-y in the mentioning of the word. I'd say out of those seventeen uses, only one really made me cringe. It was less the usage of the word and more the anti-Tumblr rant I went on that day. I almost sounded like one of those assholes who blames their retreat into right-wing fascism on being called out by social justice warriors! I must have had a bad day where somebody complained that I called a woman a barn owl and I had and I knew that I shouldn't have and I was acting defensive. Sorry about that, Internet! I'll do better! I was going to link to some of those posts but then I thought, "Why should I?! If somebody is so obsessed with my use of a word, they should have to damn themselves by typing it into the search bar!" See? Sometimes using a word is a necessary evil! Now that I've completely ruined my reputation and confused people with my personal non-rhyming slang "barn owl," I should probably read Team Titans #24. According to the cover, it has dinosaurs!

The weirdest part of Zero Hour was the laugh track.

Proclaiming the story you just spent years writing was so terribly written that only idiots would enjoy it might not be the great meta-dialogue you thought it was. The editors at DC were like Australians importing foxes and cats to get rid of their imported rabbit problem. But instead of using invasive species to manage other invasive species, they decided using time travel and alternate timelines were the best way to cure the DC Universe of a time travel and alternate timeline problem. You would have thought destroying all of the alternate Earths would have taken care of the problems with alternate timelines. But you and the DC editors forgot that terrible writers would still use alternate futures of the same Earth to prop up their inability to write well. But also, since Crisis fucked up so many characters' points of origins (see my non-existent Infinity, Inc. reviews in an alternate timeline where I actually purchased those comics), Zero Hour was needed to just restate all the origins of all the characters. What better way to do that than to fuck with the main DC timeline?! What could go wrong (aside from losing all of the Hal Jordan fans)?! Monarch explains that to create a world where he controls everything, he had to send 600 Team Titans into specific points in the past to change things just the right way for events to bring him to power. It's a good thing that, naturally, events happened to bring him to a point where he could send 600 Team Titans into the past to change the future that made his future control of everything possible! Fucking time travel. Suck every dick! The issue begins like any other confusing, contrived, and convoluted Team Titans issue:

With a boy just recently resurrected getting trampled to death by mammoths.

The randomly resurrected people and feral mammoths probably weren't specifically part of Monarch's plan. But when you fuck with time, you're going to have to deal with some truly fucked up consequences. Herald and Bumblebee save the rest of the pioneer family from being killed. But afterward, the racist pioneer calls Herald a derogatory name and he's all, "Their remarks were offensive as hell!" And Bumblebee's response is, "You've become so political since you reached legal drinking age." What the fuck kind of response is that?! How is not wanting to be called a racial slur political?! And why the fuck would turning twenty-one make any difference?! Maybe it would make more sense if I knew anything about Herald and Bumblebee. I think they were important to the Titans in the early series which I never read. Meanwhile, dinosaurs are rampaging around Seattle's Capitol Hill district. And then Hero X, a Team Titan, gets eaten by a pterodactyl. I feel like it's supposed to be a funny moment but the laughs from the laugh track are missing and, I mean, a character just died. And that shouldn't be funny, even if the character was some jerk named Hero X. Unsure what might be happening, Bumblebee and Herald decide to take the Team Titans back to New Jersey to regroup with the other teams.

Ha ha! Automation! Artificial Intelligence hasn't gotten any better in the future if it's coming up with terrible super-hero names like that. Also, not everybody is there, Herald. Have you forgotten about poor Hero X already?!

Ugh. The same boring dinosaur fights around earthquakes with Titans saving people at the last second happens over and over and over again. Finally, Terra says, "I think we were being manipulated like pawns on a chessboard!" And, in the future, Monarch answers her! "Oh, if you only knew the extent of it, Terra! How my confusing and contrived and convoluted plan worked to a tea! Or is that a tee? Oh, fuck it! Who cares?! I am Captain Atom and I will...I mean, I am Hank Hall, also known as Haw, and I now rule the world! I think. How does time work again? Shouldn't my plan have already come to pass since I'm in the future? Why am I the future me that existed before I changed the past and still exist now that I've changed it? No, no! Don't think about it for too long! Just think about the name I'll use after Monarch. It has to be dignified and glorious and intimidating! So far I'm having a tough time picking between Bloodfestor and Extant!" Team Titans #24 Rating: F. What a terrible fucking end to a mostly terrible comic book. And I don't feel like I'm being mean or that my rating would hurt Jeff Jensen's feelings. He's the guy who called his own run on the Team Titans "confusing, contrived, and convoluted!"

[scarletwelly-boots]

Books Read 2018

I read 20 books in 2018, about 15 fewer books than last year (I work longer hours and have a further commute is my excuse). Technically I’m not even done with one of them, but I have like an hour or two to go of it and it’s an audiobook so it’ll be read faster than I could read it.

This is the third year I have done the Reading Challenge, which lists a number of categories to read books under (there were 40 categories this year, so I got a solid 50%). You can find the challenges I’ve done at least last, this, and next year, on Popsugar. (I don’t remember if I got the 2016 one from the same site). I also took some liberties with the categories and even changed a few to entries from last year’s list.

1. Jurassic Park, by Michael Crichton (A book made into a movie you’ve already seen). ‘Kay so. I liked it, of course I did. I like the movie and I’m in love with Ian Malcolm. It was interesting because it provide some context fro scenes in the movie or left out of the movie that I didn’t get when I watched it. It was different from the movie in a lot of spoiler-y ways that I won’t get into. Most of these differences were good with one exception that really upset me. I would recommend to read it anyway.

2. Leah on the Offbeat, by Becky Albertalli (The next book in a series you started). This is the sequel to Simon vs. The Homosapien Agenda and I’m gonna be honest. I LOVED it. Was it better than Simon? No, probably not. But the representation made me really happy. I’m also a fat bisexual and though I’m not always a woman, I was raised AFAB, so it was still really relatable to me. There were some plot holes, because I’m pretty sure Albertalli decided Leah was bi after Simon was published. I thought it was really cute, though, and I definitely recommend it.

3. Weird Ireland, assorted authors (A book involving a mythical creature). A very small, independently published book about paranormal, supernatural, and extra-terrestrial sightings in Ireland. It was okay. I finished it in two hours. I knew everything that was in it, and some of it they even got wrong. Even if you’re crazy-obsessed with Ireland like me, you can skip this one.

4. Wild Irish Women, by Marian Broderick (a book set in a country that fascinates you). This is the kind of history book I like. Each chapter follows the biography of a different person and provides some context about the time period in which they lived. I learned a lot about Irish women I had never heard of, learned more about women I already knew about, and reread what little is known about my hero and historical crush, Grainne Ni Mhaille. One shortcoming of this book was their inclusion and insistent misgendering of Dr. Barry, an Irish physician who made great strides in natal care for women and who at this point is pretty widely believed to have been a transman. As a genderfluid person, this frustrated me so much that about three sentences into his entry I grabbed a red pen and actually corrected the pronoun usage. All the same, I recommend the book if you like women’s or Irish history, or los dos, like myself.

5. A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L’Engle (a book with a time of day in the title). Hey, it had the word ‘time’; I say that counts! Guys, if you have never read this book, you need to. Even if you watched/sobbed during the movie. Dear god this book is so good. The theoretical physics is confusing, but that’s to be expected (my fifth graders were like ‘wth does this mean’ and I was like ‘you got me; this is why I teach elementary’). But it had some of my favorite themes, and Meg does her job as the oldest sibling, which as an oldest sibling, I respect and expect. (Never bring up the movie The Wind that Shakes the Barley with me; I am very, very firm about my Oldest Sibling Job responsibilities.) Anyway, read this goddamn book please.

6. Heart of the Fae, by Emma Hamm (A book with a villain or antihero). I am a sucker for all things Beauty and the Beast and all things Ireland, so when I saw a recommendation for this independently published Irish retelling of Beauty and the Beast on tumblr, I ordered it immediately. I really loved it. It’s also the first in a series and listen, the only thing better than a Beauty and the Beast retelling is a TRILOGY of a Beauty and the Beast retelling. I started the sequel but I haven’t finished yet. This book is so good. I highly recommend it.

7. The Upside of Unrequited, by Becky Albertalli (A book with alliteration in the title). This was...okay. It’s a companion to Simon vs. the Homosapien Agenda, and it follows Abby’s cousins. In a way, it was gayer than the others, because her cousins have two moms and one of the cousins is gay. But it’s from the POV of the straight one, so not as gay. Plus I really like the characters from the first two, and we didn’t even get very much Abby in this one. You kind of have to read it like its own novel with a couple cameos from Abby. As a standalone, it wasn’t bad, but as a series it was a bit of a letdown.

8. The Once and Future King, by TH White (a book about time travel). Look, Merlin ages opposite to the passage of time, so it counts as time travel. I have been trying to read this book for ten years. I liked most of it. I had a few qualms but given the climate in which it was written it makes sense for the time period (not that that should excuse some of the cringe-worthy parts). The last like fifty pages White waxes poetic on the capitalist system and it’s like, we get it, you’re a white man from the middle of the Cold War, but read a goddamn book. Additionally, at least three men were raped by women with some not-so-subtle victim blaming which pissed me the fuck off. But the overall story, the legend of King Arthur, was good. It’s definitely a cornerstone in the Arthurian saga. I might try to read Le Morte d’Arthur next year and see how it compares.

9. All the King’s Men, by Nora Sakavic (a book with song lyrics in the title). Humpty Dumpty is close enough to a song. This is book three of the All for the Game trilogy, and holy shit you have to read this. It’s the best book in the trilogy. It is a series about a college sports team who play a made up sport called Exy, which is basically a more violent version of lacrosse. I’m not a huge sports fan, but the way she writes Exy matches had me on the edge of my seat. The team is made up of all “at-risk” students, the main character being a kid on the run from his mob boss dad. Trigger warning for the series for violence, sexual assault/rape, abuse, drug use, I may be missing some things. It was so good though.

10. The War I Finally Won, by Kimberley Brubaker Bradley (A book with an LGBTQ+ protagonist). This is a really great sequel to another children’s book. See below for the synopsis.

11. The War that Saved My Life, by Kimberley Brubaker Bradley (a book about mental health). Okay, I don’t know why that is the category I put it in, other than the protagonist was told by her mother all her life that she was mentally disabled even though it was just physically. This book and it’s sequel above were AMAZING. It’s about a little girl and her brother in World War II England. The girl has a club foot and spends her life locked away in her abusive mother’s flat in London. She teaches herself to walk, and then she and her brother run away to join the other children being evacuated to the country. They are taken in by a woman who doesn’t want to care for them but in less than a day becomes totally ride-or-die for them (I love that trope). The woman is heavily implied to be gay and is grieving the death of her companion (hence the category above). I loved both books and highly recommend them.

12. Norse Mythology, by Neil Gaiman (a book by an author of a different ethnicity than you). British isn’t that different of an ethnicity from my pasty ass, but I was hard-pressed to put this wonderful book in a category. Apparently my disaster wife Loki is a dumbass and they just look clever because the other gods are stupider than they are. I loved all the stories but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t just pick this up exclusively because I’m fucking in love with Loki. I do really recommend it though.

13. Alexander Hamilton, by Ron Chernow (a book that is also a stage play or musical). I’ve been meaning to read this for ages. It was really interesting, and a lot of it didn’t make it into the musical since it’s like 600 pages long so I learned a lot. I’m still reading it, and I’ve reached the duel so I’m almost finished. Thank god for audiobooks; if my slow-ass self were reading this, I’d still be on page like 100 and I’ve been reading it for a month. If you liked the musical I recommend you read this.

14. Go Set a Watchman, by Harper Lee (a book that you borrowed or was given to you as a gift). I had a hard time following this book. Lee went back and forth between the present (Scout in her twenties) and the 15-or-so years in between the end of TKAM and the beginning of GSAW. It wasn’t bad, but given the stories from Scout’s high school years that were really amusing and the most engaging of the whole book, I’d have preferred if the sequel took place during those years. I think this is the proof as to why most classics don’t have sequels. Read it, but don’t expect much.

15. Making Thinking Visible, by Ron Ritchhart, Mark Church, etc. (a book by two authors). I had to read this for work. Meh.

16. Fence, by CS Pacat (a book about or involving a sport). This is a comic by the same author as The Captive Prince trilogy. I’m behind in issues, but I did really like it. It’s about fencing, which I love, and it’s supposed to be gay eventually. And I’m pretty sure there’s a genderfluid or gnc character which I was super excited about. I recommend it.

17. The Orphelines in the Enchanted Castle, by Natalie Savage Carlson (a childhood classic you’ve never read). Okay, don’t tell my mother, but I don’t remember anything about this book. This year (at twenty-four) was the first time I read this old, old book that I have had since I was six or seven (don’t tell my mom that, either). It was from my mom/the tooth fairy and she loved it as a kid. I guess read it if you can find it and remind me what happened in it?

18. Simon vs. The Homosapien Agenda, by Becky Albertalli (a book you meant to read in 2017 but didn’t get to). Obviously I really loved this book if I also read the sequel and companion books. It was really good, and I definitely cried. If you liked the movie, read the book. It’s different in several ways. I think if you’re thinking in terms of trueness to the book, the movie was maybe not as good, but they’re both good as their own standalone things. But I highly recommend both.

19. Because of Winn-Dixie, by Kate DiCamillo (a book that involves a bookstore or library). This book is so good. It was interesting to reread it as an adult when I last read it as a third grader. I think I understood more than I did then and got different things out of it. I think everyone should reread books from their childhood because the books can still impact you, and they’ll probably affect you differently than when you were a child. So if the last time you read this book was as a young child, pick it up again. If you’ve never read it, still read it.

20. Six of Crows, by Leigh Bardugo (your favorite prompt from the 2015, 2016, or 2017 Popsugar reading challenges: the first book in a series you haven’t read before). This was so good. It was a really interesting book with characters I’ve already kind-of met since my DM recycled some names from the book into our campaign. But I’ve come to know Waylan with similar traits but in a different context, so it was fun to be reintroduced to him. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book where I was already attached to a character in a different context before reading the book, so that was new. I’m terrible at synopses, so if you want to know what this book is about, Google it I guess. And then read it.

[justalittlemango]

Hmmm

So uh... I haven't posted on this Tumblr for a while. A few months by the looks of it? That last post was the beginning of this year. And now it's 20th August 2021.

So what happened? Also ugh the formatting on this site. Welp, my last post seemed to be a lot about my now-ex. I'll call him Tit as I think that's an appropriate name. So yeah, he did come back sometime after I wrote that post. He came back. He seemed to have been feeling better. It was nice to see him happy and things pretty much went back to how they were before, even better if anything. Sadly that was only temporary! Well, I say sadly. Sad at the time. I don't care these days.

Something happened, he lost it over me doing literally nothing. I knew he had problems with my mental health but I don't like to be accused of all sorts when all I try to do is help. I knew at that time, that was the calling point. Cutting off ties. Because my health both mentally and physically could not deal with everything he was putting me through. I cut him off. It felt sad but I knew I had to do it. And fast forward six months later, there's been no contact between us. Thank god.

So.. that was always fun.. I lost my friends who I had met through Tit. I knew that was coming as well. I can still be mad over that, but at the end of the day, who's side are they going to stick by? Mine (someone they've only known for a few months) or his (someone they adore and known for years even.) I guess the outcome here was kind of obvious. I wish I could say I didn't care it happened, but it did hurt me. When I was already going through so much hurt just seeing that was not nice. Thankfully I was never confronted before it happened, I was just swiftly deleted/unfriended/removed and that's that.

That was the second time in a 7/8 month span that I lost friends because of these love problems. So all in all? I'm pretty fucking tired of that happening lol. Anyway, these people are irrelevant now and no longer play a part in my life. So I just need to forget about them.

So did things get any better? Yes! I met someone new. My Dommy. I joined this server in attempt to make some friends and play games with (since the friends I once did that with departed..) so I thought I'd shoot my shot there. It started off okay, I was making friends and it was fun. I met Dommy in there. There was something that caught my eye about him when I would see him chatting and stuff. We spoke to each other through DMs for a bit and played games together. It was so much fun. And the more I got to know about him the more I was like ... My god ... Because I knew I was going to catch feelings for him. Everything he was telling me about himself just made the feelings grow more and more. Like he just kept ticking my boxes in what I seek in a partner.

At first I didn't wanna catch feelings, mostly due to the fact he's 18, and I was 23 (now I'm 24 so yay). I felt the age gap would've been too weird and I wouldn't usually consider anyone that's under 21 to be a potential partner. But god it was so hard to think like that when the more I learnt about him, the more these feelings kept growing. He just knew exactly what to say. His personality and everything. He's so fun and kind. So wholesome. Positive. I find him so relatable too. I definitely didn't expect this for someone who is quite frankly, fresh into adulthood. But here we are!

Heh, let's just say I tried to dim my feelings down. And it definitely didn't work. And I remember thinking at first like, oh god he wouldn't want feelings for me I'm like 5 years older than him LOLLL. But boy was I wrong! About a month after chatting and playing games together (quite frequently too) - he told me he had a crush on me. And I remember how great that felt. It felt so... fucking... amazing. To read everything he said to me. I really didn't think he'd feel that way.. I had my suspicions on somethings but they were more just me being overly hopeful. And of course, I had to tell him I crushed him back. I had the same feelings. And ever since then it just continually grows.

26th May we decided to become long distance boyfriends. We both felt ready for it. Every day and night I got to spend with him on voice chat was SO enjoyable. It was so much fun. The love kept continuing to grow and grow. The more he told me about himself, the more he truly sounded like my perfect man. My soul mate even! And he felt the same way about it all. And now we're so clingy and romantic for each other all the time and I LOVE IT!!

Fast forward to August. We still here. We hope to meet up soon. We surround ourselves with such positive romantic energy. Inspiring each other to be our best selves. Heck, we both got jobs just so we can buy stuff for each other and visit frequently. And that's where we're at. We're awaiting the day for when we meet.

I'm so grateful for him. He changed my life around. I hit rock bottom and he full on dragged me out. Showed me that I can still love. Supported me through everything. Even with everything that happened after my ex. He was there. And still today, with everything I went through.. he had my back.

I love him so much. With everything I have. To the end of days. I've never met ANYONE like him. My past relationships don't even come close to what he and I have. And the crazy thing? He feels the same.. this is just magical. See, it would be TOO good if we were living in the same country. But alas, I am UK, he is US.. a few thousand miles away. But you know what? I'm making it my goal that we'll live together. We talk about having a family, living together, going on so many dates and just doing everything together.

It's my goal. Ultimate. Life goal. I don't want to die without being able to hold him in my arms. And very soon I hope, I will be able to hold him, watch him fall asleep in my arms and whisper "I love you" right in his ear. I 100% trust him. I've never been able to fully trust anyone in my life before. Not my previous partners or anything. But my Dommy? I trust him with my life.

But are there any issues?

Nope. Not really. Sometimes I still feel a lil weird about the age gap. I'll be meeting my boyfriend who's 18, as a 24 year old.. doing lovey things lol. Sometimes I worry about what others think about that, mostly his family. My family know about it and they think it's fine, as with my friends. I hope his family are the same! I mean, it's only 5 year difference. It's not that much at all. I just overthink it and it's a ridiculous thing to overthink! Because he is my soulmate. If anybody has a problem with it, then they'll have to deal with it. Cause I ain't going anywhere. And neither is he 😏 actually I think he'd get more sassy at them than I would!

But yeah. Uh. Anything else? Not really. He's a busy lad but I love that for him. He does so much for his family. He can do so much. Working, driving, going to college.. I'm so proud of him! And I think from what I know from his childhood, he deserves to have all these nice times with his family. So no, there are no issues between us. We have never even argued yet! And I couldn't imagine arguing with him.

So I hope next time I write here.. I'd have met him in person. And experience that. It would be the best day of my life.

____

Anyway! How am I? I'm fine right now. I'm struggling a bit because I have no money left. Kinda annoyed I spent my travel moneys on myself (because I had to.) I hope that issue will be sorted next month when I get my student loan, and hopefully this job that I interviewed for yesterday! Interview lasted over an hour and I'm only competing against one other person. So.. if I get that.. the money gonna be sweet. And you already know I'll be investing in travelling to see my Dommy!

But I also want to try to do my driving lessons. Get my own groceries again and my weight gain stuff because my body is far too skinny! I want to try and get a gym membership too while I'm at it. I say all this, but where the heck am I gonna find the time to do all this? Especially as a full time student! But I think we got this. Driving lessons aren't urgent, and even so they wouldn't take long if I do lessons in an auto. Since I've driven before. So maybe I'll only need 10 lessons.

I want to go the gym and build my body a little bit. Look a bit more in shape for when I see my boy hehehe.

So yeah, lack of money is my main issue here. I can't afford to go out and get my own food and supplements. So until I get my moneys, my mood is going to be patchy. It'll be worth the wait though if things go all out to plan.

Anything else on my mind? Well.. being back here in B'ham! I don't particularly feel safe here. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be back with my parents. And not have to pay rent on a student house.. but that does come with some negatives... Quite a few negatives. These being.. lack of privacy, not being able to make a lot of noise late at night, not feeling safe in the city, issues with bathroom/showers, and the god forsaken slow internet.

Positives though? Being with my parents, in the big city where everything is, good stores and nightlife. Few friends are here. Though not too many I'm interested in seeing. Lol. I guess I'm in the middle of everything too so if I wanted to travel out of city to see someone , I have the option to do so.

So.. yeah! A lot more good than bad going on right now and thank god. Because how this year started was awful. It was literally the hardest time of my life to get through it. And everything that happened in the summer, I'm so grateful for. And my Dommy. I'm so happy he came into my life. I feel honoured and blessed to be in a relationship with him.

I hope things go to plan. I'm in my last year of university, and will be graduating next year. So that should be exciting! And then I have plans to study at BCU next year to do a master degree in UX! Which is exactly the kind of thing I want to get into! So that's a good two years of a steady income from student finance, and hopefully this part time job! So fingers crossed these plans will work out.

Those are my goals that I see in the distance. Travel to see my boyfriend, graduate and get onto that post-grad course! My short term goals. Oh and also get a part time job. Lol. My long term goals is to honestly.. immigrate to the US. I know it sounds wild. But it's what I want. I need to be with my boyfriend. Start a life with him. And spend the rest of my life with my Dommy. I don't know when I'd ever be able to live with him.. but let's just say you need to have a strong background to be accepted as a US citizen. But with the plans I got...it should work! Having a master's degree and hopefully someone will hire a UX designer from the US and sponsor me! With some luck.

How long do I think that would take? Probably sometime within the next 5 years.. I hope. If I'm lucky! And interesting to think, in 5 years I'm 28, and my boyfriend will be 23! Which I think is the perfect time in both our lives to find a place together to live and be happy.

I feel with that, being away from my parents via long distance is going to be VERY difficult. But I'd try my best to visit them for a month or so. And of course, I still want to support them even if I am living abroad.

Ok. Here is the end of the post. I hope I don't look back at this in a few months and laugh. I know not all of this will work out, but I hope most of it will! So yeah, here's to the future! To good health, happyness, and my boyfriend of course ;)

-mangiiii

[blue-pincushion]

all the bedroom ones, if you don't mind ! if it's too much, just pick the ones you want

{ that’s fine!! i’m not tired yet so i have some time to write ;w; }cracks knuckles.

—How long do they sleep for?Sonic tries to at least get in a full 8 hours! though with how restless he gets and how often he travels around the world he doesn’t sleep for long periods of time. he’s more partial to taking multiple few hour naps throughout a 24 hour period!—Are they a light or heavy sleeper?if it wasn’t clear in the first answer, he’s a pretty light sleeper :P—Does your muse make their bed?he does, but very hastily. once he’s up and moving he doesn’t really spend much time on making sure his bed will be ready for him when it’s time to sleep when he doesn’t even know for sure if he’s gonna be sleeping there in the first place :P—Does your muse snore?he has a very light snore, it’s not super noticeable if you’re not paying attention. his nose twitches in his sleep too!—What sleeping position do they find themselves in most often?curled up in a ball on his side, always burrowed under blankets or whatever bedding there is if there is any—How clean is their room?i’d say mostly clean, since he doesn’t spend much time there in the first place. when he is there he’ll leave some scattered messes since he tends to rush about the place but he’ll try to pick up most of it.—Does the bedroom have a theme / what is the layout like?he’s got a red race car bed ‘cause he’s a big dork, a night table with a simple lamp on it and a electric clock, a dresser across the room, lots of stuff stored in his closet, some posters of the bands he likes on his walls (there’s totally a crush 40 poster or two on there), absolutely has glow in the dark stars on his ceiling, and framed photos of him with his friends sitting on his dresser! he keeps most of his stuff in his closet ‘cause it’s bigger and spacious and has places for storage. there’s also a couple bean bag chairs in his room, a small tv with a little game station near them and a reaaaaallly soft, fluffy rug on the floor there.—What is their clothing style?sonic doesn’t usually wear much clothes, mostly ‘cause since it’s more efficient in his line of work as a speedy hero to not be weighed down by clothing that could throw him off and even get damaged. although! he does like wearing shirts/jackets sometimes. he’s got some colorful t-shirts and long sleeves, and like two different jackets- one of which is a red letterman jacket that matches his shoes and another that’s just a dark navy blue hoodie. tails actually likes to wear that one sometimes because it’s so big and comfy on him and sometimes sonic will find golden fur stuck in the jacket and is just “oh tails :’D”—Do they collect something?Sonic collects souvenirs from the places he visits around the world! he usually stashes them in his closet!—Does your Muse let other people into their room?He’s fine with letting people into his room when HE’S there, but when he isn’t then he’s not cool with that. the only person he lets into his room when he isn’t there is Tails—Has your Muse slept with anyone? (Platonic or not. Take your pick.)Ehhh, he’s taken naps with Tails and Knuckles before, and at least Amy once. all platonic cuddles of course. As far as not platonic… nahh. not really. he’s awkward and shy when it comes to romantic activities. —Do they gave any plushies? Or a keepsake from childhood?He has a plushy chao his mom got him when he was little that he’s hung onto all this time but he keeps it in his closet nowdays—One pillow or many?two! one to cuddle and one just in case he needs it!—One blanket or many?just one! it’s a thick, silky sky blue one with fluffy cloud patterns on it~—How many hours (or minutes) does your muse spend on the computer?like 5 to 15 minutes at the most, except Sonic doesn’t use a computer- rather he uses the common communicator device he and his friends use in their universe. he’ll browse the internet for a little bit, check the news and current headlines, check some social media, he isn’t on there for too long—What is the last thing your muse searched for online?probably the context for the latest popular meme that’s been circulating :P —What would their tumblr be like?probably kinda the same way anyone else would use tumblr, just for something to look at stuff they’re interested in. i can see sonic’s blog being sorta like a cross between an instagram and a blog he uses to keep up on current world events. he’ll post random selfies of himself at some of the craziest places like “hey guys lol i’m on mount everest rn check it out!”, and sometimes he’ll answer questions he gets in his inbox but not very often ‘cause while he gets a lot of sweet asks he does get some weird anons too asking about his feet and he’s just like “ :) what the fuck haha”he also will do his best to keep up with the memes. he’s gotta stay cool and hip with the trends man—What social media sites are they part of?tbh i don’t know if tumblr would really be for sonic, at least, it wouldn’t be the account he mostly uses. i think he’d probably use twitter and instagram since on twitter you don’t need to post long ass tweets, they’re just short and get the message across the way he likes, and then instagram he’d use to show all the places he’s visited in his travels because Sonic absolutely loves scenery and experiencing beautiful views.

[unsexyfeedback-blog]

After reading my post and I am not sure you read it because your comments are full of errors and misrepresentations.

#1

Funny calling me creepy coming from you a tumblr in the NSFW community. Creepy is a subjective term. I would think someone sexually open minded, living in a married open relationship, doing porn, would be open to other ways of living. If I was female 40+ going after young skinny boys (18+ of course) you would think it was hot. Shame on you for being a hypocrite to your own lifestyle and community.

Do you know who this is?  Gianluca Vacchi an Italian 50+ millionaire with his now divorced wife  Giorgia Gabriele 30 or so at the time. The only difference between me and him is money. (also maybe be body shape LOL working on it) And I bet that if I had money to back my proposal your attitude would be very very different. See the hypocrisy in your comment? 

Gianluca is my role model in terms of where I am going with my own fitness goals. Georges Lucas and Steve Jobs are also my role models in terms of overcoming everyone else's objections to their visions.

#2

Where the fuck do you get that? I am confident with my vision and concept.. not the same as ego. I am not comparing myself to Georges Lucas but do you know how many people shot down his idea for Star Wars yet his confidence in his vision got him where he is today. If you heard him speaking nobody would accuse him of having a fuelled ego. I have no idea where you see an ego issue when I am looking for a creative partner to contribute to this show. This is not a scripted show so to make this work obviously the cohost is very very important.

I know this quote from Kid Rock, didn’t know its origins. You or I can’t tell the future and whether or not I can back it up.  Only time will tell if I will be able to back it up.

#3

Nothing in life is free 

SFW content revenue sharing

When we will travel together and produce SFW content for Youtube and other social media platforms, your “pay” will be traveling while having no basic expenses, for example lodgings (obviously), food and all costs related to travelling and visiting touristic sites.

You think it costs nothing to cover the cohost living expenses? Did you actually read the proposal or just looked to nit pick. Just because I doubt you read this but this part is SFW content meaning no nex in this content.

NSFW content revenue sharing

For the NSFW content you will not get paid in advance of the sale of content we will produce like in larger adult production companies. We are going to be a small independent production company where nobody tells us what we need or have to do. The team we will build together will make all decisions. However as we determine the basic costs of operation (fuel, Skoolie repairs, food, etc..) then we can split the after expense profits evenly. We will have to look at this again with an accountant as we get closer to start producing NSFW content.  Please rest assured that you will never ever have any expenses to pay as we travel together and produce, SFW and NSFW content.

Again look at the bold text here. I am pretty clear on revenue sharing for the actual sex on camera and that at some point we will consult an accountant to figure out the split.

#4

The getting paid issue is dealt with in #3 and you had nothing originally truthful or even correct about the proposal.

Do you feel foolish yet? Again you missconstrued my proposal by NOT FUCKING READING IT. 

Yes this is an unconventional arrangement with financial connections. What marriage or serious relationship isn’t. Your making me sound like a sex trafficker or a pimp who beats his girls!!!! based on what you read LOL or not... I clearly state that its an open door relationship.

I think it goes without saying that our first tour together will be only for a few weeks. Once completed we can evaluate its success and if we manage not to kill each other, we can extend the tour or I can simply bring you back home.

Yes there is a business arrangement but if I love my partner I want to help her. Obviously the original premiss is “cohost/romantic/sexual partner” but based on two adults communicating we can make changes to the deal depending on what each of us wants.

Before making “Fake News” half assed researched comments, maybe you should have read from A to Z carefully and asked questions first before shiting on some else's ideas because maybe your life sucks so bad you're looking for something or someone to vent on (that is my sarcastic comment just like your unicorn one). If you had given me constructive criticism and offered valid points I would have taken them and used the information to make improvements on my vision. But all you did is “Fake Newsed” it.

Otherwise I hope you have yourself a wonderful fucking day!!!

#1

Feedback is based on knowledge of what your giving feedback from. You lack the knowledge because it is blatantly obvious you simply skimmed over it.  I gave you feedback based on your comments that where misrepresentations (not a different perspective) of what I wrote. You approached my proposal biased and with your perspective (which you are allowed to have a different one then me) however that perspective blinded you to what I actually wrote and ment. Then you proceeded to write feedback with half truths. This is not about perspective at all and that is just an excuse you seem to like using.

#2

I never said that tumblr girls are creepy!!!!

Funny calling me creepy coming from you a tumblr in the NSFW community. Creepy is a subjective term.

I thought you would catch my drift. There is some creepy weird stuff in tumblr and was alluding to creepy is relative to the point of view of the person viewing. 

Just like you are in Reddit or Tumblr, I am expressing my sexuality via this proposal.  In the same way that I respect and actually admire you for being sexually free and liberated, please respect me in the same way, even if you’re not interested in my proposal and you think I am nuts. (I know I am nuts) To me BDSM does not give me pleasure but I would not slut shame (or manwhore shame) someone who did. We all get pleasure in different ways and that’s the beauty of being alive. 

Not my fault you didn't read my proposal.

#3

What would be the difference with meeting on a dating app? Many people want different things and you can choose to reply if you like or IGNORE if you don’t. Obviously you are not aware of that option.

Your snarky answers are truly dishonest. Yes I invited you to travel with me but not before you had a chance to vet me via my social media and we get to know each other over many months!!!!!

Then and only then we could choose to meet or not, to begin with. Then if there is a connection sexually we could have some fun together. 

Then if during our travels (as on open relationship/poly/swinging couple) we/you met someone that interests us/you we can talk about inviting them to have some fun.

Truly your slant on what I meant and said is way way off to the point of being Fake News.

Again would you find creepy if the form message was linked to a request to travel with an older woman you don’t know on a bus to perform sex acts and pick up guys? Just having reversed the roles just brings me back to the Fake News slant you put on my proposal that is so way off from what I said no matter if its just a pipe dream. 

#1

You wasted your own time by replying in the first place. You had the option to ignore and even block me. But your ego thinking you knew better then me absolutely couldn't shut up and needed to rant.

Yes I may have used a “standard form message” but I don’t message to all. You have no way of knowing how many I messaged your comment is another blatant example of “Fake News”.

I understand more than you think and you have no way of knowing what I understand since again you have proven that you have not read my proposal thoroughly or even my response since you replied practically before I pressed on the send button. Not to mention you never even asked me any questions to maybe clarify what I wrote (that you didn’t read anyways).

#2

You have a very different view than me of what is true. Yes your comments are ridiculous which is the first thing you said that is true.

#1

With my social media and contacts an open book to view I can’t see how it is predatory. Your slant is so slanted that a simple invitation to travel with an unusual arrangement makes it predatory then so be it. I intend to harm nobody and I am not hidden in the dark shadows waiting to pounce on the next innocent victim like you make me out to be.

Again only as an example not to compare myself, people said that Elon Musk's dream of SpaceX was unrealistic.

#2

Well based on your slanted and biased misreading skills coming from you it’s a compliment. Reading [your comments] reeks of privilege and fundamental misunderstanding of what “cohosts” are [going to be] about.

#3

First of all I never said “hero”. I said mentor for his physical appearance and his dedication to training and keeping a fit body. 

I don’t know what your problem is but you have a very slanted biased perspective on my proposal. Based on continuously showing me over and over that you didn’t read my proposal... skimming does not count, it is not surprising that everything you says rubs me the wrong way. You are the type to share on Facebook a “Sylvester Stallone is dead” article with checking to see if its true.

You are allowed to have a different perspective then me and I have no issue if your comments reflected that. What rubs me the wrong way is that you commented half truths and, made me look like a predatory creep without knowing me and worse without READING THE FUCKING PROPOSAL.

[classy-smart-and-pretty]

Hello Hello Hello!!

Shit I forgot how fucking funny you savage bitches are on tumblr. (also reading my old blog posts is hilarious) 

It has been FOREVER since I’ve last posted so just thought I’d do a little life update. 

I’ve actually been living all over Europe for the past 7 months. It was amazing and even though I was dead ass broke for most of the time it was so worth it.

While I was traveling I made the personal decision to go off of the site and put all my SD’s on hold. Most of them we’re pretty understanding and said they wanted to catch up with me when I got back.

I got back home to my city in the beginning of January. I held off from going back on the site because I was trying to figure out what I actually wanted and whether or not I was trying to settle down in a vanilla relationship or what.

Well let me tell you that relationship shit lasted about three seconds bc then I saw my credit card bill and back to the site I went (((: 

I’ve been really lazy about it this time though. There’s one sentence on my profile and 2 very vague pictures of me but the bowl must be dry these days bc I’ve had POTs hitting me up left and right. 

Jay 

I’ve written about Jay before. We met on the site December ‘16 and he’s not really sugar daddy material. Not really sure why he was on the site and he doesn’t know why either. He took his profile down shortly after we met. He’s more of the spoiled gf type of guy. He never just blatantly gives me money but he’s helped me out with things like rent and tuition before. 

I was trying to cut him off and not talk to him while I was away/when I got back because tbh I’m being annoying as fuck and starting to get feelings for him and I just can’t date someone that is 10 years older than me rn and I don’t even think he wants a gf so I’m like plz let me be. But damn this boy is persistent. I kept trying to ignore him and then finally I got drunk and flipped out on him and told him that I’m like low key having a mental break down. I apologized the next morning and finally agreed to go to dinner with him bc I felt bad for being a psycho. Went to dinner with him which was fine. He was being like extra nice to me which was weird. We later went back to his apartment and got really high and had the best sex I’ve had in sooooooo fucking long ugh. I hate that I actually get butterflies when he kisses me. 

I guess he really missed me when I was away. He randomly sent me $300 to get my hair done after I mentioned it one time and he bought me a new bed for my apartment. He also keeps taking me on like real dates and I met his brother and a bunch of his friends? Idk I have no idea what I want and either does he so we’ll just not talk about anything and keep things the way they are now.

Miami

I’ve decided that I think Miami is revolting and doesn’t give me nearly enough compensation for how annoying he is. He’s been hitting me up left and right since I got back but I’ve ignored every one and have no intention of seeing him again. 

Silver Spoon 

Ugh this fucker. I’ve decided I’m dumb as shit and need to get over my feelings for Silver Spoon because he is manipulative as fuck and I hate him. 

Jay sent me money via venmo and Silver Spoon would not stop fucking texting me about it like “who the fuck is this kid” all this shit like???? I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN OVER A YEAR STAY OUT OF MY LIFE. 

I’ve ignored everything from him since the beginning of January. 

Raza

Raza is one of my newbies. He’s a real estate developer in my city, married, thinks his wife is a bitch. The usual. You can tell he used to be really good looking...he’s not bad looking now but could definitely use the gym. He’s sweet to me and thinks I’m like the smartest baddest bitch out there (can’t argue). 

He wants to do twice a month for a couple of hours at a time for $800. I agreed and shit he came in like two seconds and had to leave both times we’ve hung out so I’ve made $1600 off of him for like maybe an hour of my time. Will definitely be keeping him around.

Other than that I’ve been chatting with a couple of other POTs but nothing too serious lately. I finally quit my shitty serving job thanks to Raza paying off the last of my credit card bills from Europe so life has been pretty good. 

I’ll try to be on here more...forgot how entertaining it is. 

[archonssun]

I need to vent some. It won't end well for me otherwise.

This is gonna get pretty long and wordy. And don’t feel like you have to read this whole thing, please. I just wrote this down to get the thoughts out, so I don’t end up feeling worse later on.

Have any of you guys ever gone to sleep, mostly fine, then wake up the next day feeling like absolute shit? That happened to me last night for the first time in a while.

It started off with me getting migraines near the end of my shift. I don't get migraines, I get allergy-induced headaches, and that's pretty much it.

My point is, I fell asleep last night and woke up this afternoon feeling awful, cuz of a dream. I was going through comments on my Tumblr, Twitter, and AO3 account.

And I found some pretty hateful/mean things people commented, either on things I've created or through DMs.

Look, I know not everyone is going to like what I write or draw; figured that out pretty quick when I used to have my brother proof-read for me a couple years back. But it still hurt, really bad, despite just being a dream/nightmare. I get these every so often.

What made it worse was the fact that the comments were said by people I admire on all three platforms. They doubted I'd ever finish that one story I've worked on for months.

Usually when I wake up from something like this, I don't want to get out of bed for the rest of the day, and I end up sleeping into the next morning and sometimes into the next afternoon. And I usually end up feeling even more drained than before.

But today, it was weird. I woke up and felt empty almost. Like I just couldn't feel anything, couldn't feel what I should have. Which is mainly self-depreciation and sadness. If you couldn't tell from this thread, I'm sensitive towards certain things.

Don't get me wrong, I can take the criticism, but when others thoughts mirror my own? That's when it gets to be too much for me.

A few years ago, I had troubles. Still do, to be completely honest, I'm just better at ignoring them. I felt like I was annoying the shit out of people when I spoke about things I was doing or was gonna do.

(I honestly feel like just posting this thread it gonna annoy the shit out of people, so if you're actually seeing this, then I've improved somewhat.)

I don't know if they had other stuff on their minds at the time, but they just weren't all there when I talked. That sounds kind of narcissistic, but I needed that little extra signal, cuz I wasn't exposed to lots of people when I was younger.

(There wasn't anything wrong with me when I was a kid, I just wasn't comfortable around large groups or strangers.)

Eventually, it got to the point that I would just stop talking and I would retreat inside my own head. Sometimes it lasted for a few minutes, others it lasted the rest of the day. I'd start getting myself down with my words, and I'd likely stay that way for a while.

Getting back to the actual point of this thread, when other's thoughts start to reflect my own in regards to my work, I can't handle it. Say whatever you want about it, I just can't do it. And I've tried, believe me I've tried.

But it's not like trying to stop biting your nails. I've had issues with this since I was in elementary school (so since I was like eight or nine). And it's not easy. Constantly, I seek out validation from others, and when nothing's there, I just... shut down, I guess.

And even when I do seek out validation, I always have a struggle with myself:

"Don't send them that, they'll think you're weird."

"They look busy. Don't bother them with nothing."

Fuck, even typing out those words is making me shaky, cuz I can't help but remember all the times I've said them. All the times I've had to stop myself from interacting with people.

But when my stuff does get validated, I get this sense of joy, y’know? Like, finally, someone appreciates what I’ve done and what I have to offer; someone other than my family or close friends... (don’t hate me, @lier3nn, you’re still my closest friend off this site and I appreciate you sticking with me, I do)

On Tumblr or Twitter, it's at least a little easier to interact with others. I don't really use my given name all that much on these type of sites; I either use the one I made up years ago (YXxXxXY) or my middle name (Rose). It gives me a sense of anonymity that I wouldn't get if I used my real name. 

But you can only have one first impression, and whatever it is, people will remember you for it. Maybe that's why I hated middle and high school, cuz you only get one shot to make it count. And more often than not I fuck it up.

And I live with the regrets every day: "What would have happened if...?" Even now, I'm second-guessing posting this. I'm afraid of what others will think. Is that weird of me? Any of you seeing this is a complete stranger to me, yet I'm still worried.

Yeah, I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. That was made painfully obvious in school. But I'm the only one I know that feels it. Like, I don't know anyone else well enough to know if they feel the same way. And that's probably my fault more than anything.

I have friends, I do. But not deep enough to know how they feel about certain things. And whenever I want to know if they feel the same things, I always freeze. I crawl into my head again and don't come out. To me, that's better than embarrassing myself.

(But the fact that I’m opening up to complete strangers doesn’t bother me in the slightest, apparently.)

And I can't bring myself to actually ask them. Like I'd be prying into their personal life too much if I did...

I get into these funks every once in a while. This is just the first time it’s happened and centered around people doubting my stuff the same way I doubt my stuff. You’re your own worst enemy, right? Fucking philosophical bullshit that makes complete sense. But, I digress. Sometimes it’s better for me if I just get the words out; if I just say them out loud. You don’t even have to read or respond to this, and I’d already be feeling better just because I’ve written these words down. I’d have already started getting past it. I’ve travelled that path, and now it’s in the past. And I’d keep going, doing only what I could do (writing, for one. No one is gonna write what I want, so I have to, right?

... Still. There’s always a little part of me that is seeking validation through this post. And no matter what reaction it gets -- positive or negative -- it’ll always be at the back of my mind. So maybe I haven’t started getting over it. Not yet.

But I will, one day. It might take my entire life, or just a few hours. But I will get over it.

[ligbi]

Animorphs Liveblog #1

I borrowed Animorphs from some friends and liveblogged my thoughts for them. I thought some tumblr folks may enjoy them as well. Animorph content warning for fucked up shit. For kids!

The Invasion 1996 Jake is a Lizard, and this weird CG render of him in a shoe is actually pretty damn good for the time. I forgot about the flipbook corners. 

Everything I tell you is a lie, but you have to believe me The Andalites promised they'd rescue us, and knowing what I know I do not believe that a smidge Marco and Jake already already friends, Tobias is a new, awkward guy, Rachel is Jake's tall cool cousin, and Cassie is black and 'mythical' So begins the heteros Tell me more about Jake's brother Tom and how you two have become distant Cool one sentence into each girl and I love them both already. Fuck the patriarchy! But also being a girl in public is scary Ha. Ax murderers.at the construction site. Ax. They're 13 right? Babies but also I call bullshit on towns with walking distance malls Marco was right Jake the idiot Shit wait which one dies how bad will I regret reading this? I get Tobias man. Looking at that sky. Also Cassie just "ufo" Marco is looking to make a buck off a ufo sighting. Okay Jake is a dweeb so says Marco Oh no baby bird you're clearly the best dude curse eager bird men We all just stood there like fools Hey the ship is burned and some of it has been melted! Also blue lights because all technology has glowing blue lights Jake's family has a minivan (oh god these are small children), and Marco wants to be on Letterman. Letterman Oh god right it's '96 you have to Go Somewhere to Call Someone. Wow 96 was I was 5 I just turned 27 Technology Rachel wants to Solve the spaceship and Cassie points out Star Trek is monolinguistic. As with all series, Girls. Blue deer-taur with no real mouth and extra eyes on stalks with scorpion tail. I've been meaning to re-read Wrinkle in Time, but I think when I first read that at like, 10, I pictured those blind creatures like this Please note, I recall fully reading one (1) of these books ever to completion. Rachel turned into a squid in that one Yes Ax does look like he can kill. I assume he does at some point Jake is almost crying upon seeing Ax, who already feels like a friend. Due to time travel and reincarnation, I am scared to find out why this is Yes I Am Dying. Oh aliens. This is not Ax, is it? Whoops Cassie's family are vets. And she's ready to jump into helping Hey whoever you are, just saying, it sounds like you're implying literally every other alien in the universe wants to kill us. Which is fair but Yeerks. Rat sized gray-green slug parasites ...How does this Andalite (right?) know none of them are controlled by a Yeerk right now? Marco is a bit of a pragmatist Oh jeez lingo uh let's see: Yeerks have Bug Fighters, a Blade Ship, Dracon Beams which destroy things to a molecular level, Andalites have a Dome Ship and Z-Space is a thing Expected Yeerk takeover time: A year or less Yikes Hey Jake fuck you get the box Ugh so straight Got the cube and hey look a hologram of their family WOW MEAN Ok so most (all?) Andlaties have a morph power to Alteans! blend in and hide also we acknowledge they are young Cassie and Tobias for best kids right now Two red streaks for Yeerks Bug fighters these are He looks at Tobias and feels weird like a chill. Normally I'd call Gay but predestination/time-travel/something is up ...How do they know how long two Earth hours are? Oh shit Visser Three. And he can Morph that's uh legit concerning? How'd he get that and what horrible things have he done? Has? Have or has? Also, what WILL he do? Third black ship, and what's his alien touched Tobias' head and did/conveyed Something Oh cool construction equipment just pfffff'd out because a giant battleaxe ship with scimitar wings Was this ship designed by the Hork-Bajir, who have blades on their wrists elbows knees and tails, and t-rex feet and falcon-beaked snake heads with three horns. Who are good people but all (?) controlled Taxxons are Big centipedes with lobster claw hands, jello eyes, and a top mouth that's a pointy circle Again, I demand quick satisfaction as to the positive vibes they get from Andalite1 Ah Visser Three is a controller of an Andaltie. Who was that Andalite? Prince Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul is a mouthful So if he takes over enough places, Visser will become One. Who's the current One? Oh cool we're being targeted because we're over-populated compared to other species Humans behind the Visser? Is it ya'll? Please be ya'll I love me time-travel angst Now V3 is a big Monster and we're blowing up ships and I know this is a construction site but where is anyone else? Aw Jake you wanted to help. That's dumb but aw Death count: 1 Are Taxxons the ever-hungry aliens I've heard about? Or do the Yeerks just think it's fun to eat a dead guy? Oh cool those were Human Controllers and Jake seems to know one. I assume it's big bro? Most people are crying and Macro pukes I HEAR THAT FRIENDS Split up? Jinkies Rachel knows bad words. WHAT ARE THE WORDS K.A.APPLEGATE. TELL ME THE FORBIDDEN LANGUAGE (I assume Son of a Bitch from context but shout out to Rachel if it's Fucker) They can kind of speak English? Ghafrash? Hobo man: maybe dead? Probably dead Jake's strongest real memory is of aliens smiling at him. Get it boy-you're a child get nothing please So you're not close with Tobias, but you know he has a cat named Dude. Also: Cat is named Dude I love it BTW Jake, noticing another dude is Glowing? ;) Oh dang so Tobias doesn't know his Dad, Mom just left him around ten, and we're on a coast, with his aunt living on the other because his uncle is on this one How long does it take to morph? This sounds like a concerning amount of time Multiple minutes. Alright. Nightmareish. Side note: semi-crouching warped human with long butt and stubbed feet stage of morphing in the corner here Watching someone morph into a cat is giggle inducing. I will cherish these times won't I Telepathy is a good, easy answer to lots of questions about weird powers and communication Two year old string in a messy room. Boy Ha naked. Also the cat instincts mean ...oh dear this is gonna cause problems Why does Tobias get to decide Jake is the leader also why Jake? Not why like bleh why him but plot-wise something is the pre-meditated choice Homer the dog. You watch The Simpsons boy? Taking the dna puts the animal in a trance and it doesn't hurt to morph Bones feel like they should hurt yeah that sounds right Scrapping sounds are wonderful Right you're not just A Dog you're The Dog you took from Awww you're not a bad dog Jake. And Tobias is a good kid. And damn it I did not want to right about the brother. Cassie has a farm and big brother Tom is in a club called the Sharing He's obviously a Controller, but also "It's just sports" I'm pro-anti-sports but anti-cult clubs UGH WE HAVE TO RECYCLE Jake pls Wildlife rehabilitation. Convenient to touch wild animals also a cow Plus zoo mom so let's all be giraffes Dang kids with their fireworks, taking over humanity and making cops somehow worse Marco is scared and picky and right poor kid Who also has reasons? Tell me more Mom body was never found, Dad can't be around people. Ouch Cassie is not only cool enough to have clothes, but can control the morph enough to play centaur "We want them real bad" jesus yeerk cop, tone it down will ya? Hey you look like your brother- come to our yeerk cult Help endangered species? You mean like *eyebrow waggle* Is Tobias/Rachel a thing? CD game we were going to play on my computer. Wow Hey not-Tom, why would these kids have read anything in a newspaper? Wow this is shamelessly manipulative and creepy and thanks Applegate for teaching kids to be reasonably creeper out by overly forceful and manipulative folks Jake honey Marco is right please stop living in denial Let's remind Tobias, who is already a hawk, about the time limit Feathers made of wax. This boy is going to fly too long in the sun And then he was naked because boys don't care about that too much I guess?  So as long as the DNA isn't bad for any reason, the state of the animal doesn't matter. What about dead animals? Let Tobias be superman. Poor kid Yeerk pools have Kandrona rays, and Yeerks have to go back into a pool every three days. Yeerk home sun particles Protect this child who can't fight for himself but will fight for the world Time to infiltrate I guess? Gotta sneak into this night volleyball game They live near a beach I suspect this is Cali, like all kid lit about young teens unless it's from the UK Can you grab a morph from a friend if they've changed into a whatever? Kids and Adults? Smidge weird Poor actual Tom trying to protect Jake They Would notice a horse wouldn't they? Tobias hun no please don't make excuses I know being human sucks but come on Oh course the Assistant Principal is a big bad Convert or kill. Yeesh Evil cops also Cassie being Black makes vague threats uhhh worse Let Jake be a dog! Ok but just pet all the animals? Lizard yes but deer? Wolf? Buzzards? Wildcat? I just climbed into my locker all cool like playing it chill because everyone climbs into lockers all the time This is a very small lizard The animal brains being way more in control is fucked up Cool so you just almost was stepped on, lost a body part, and have a still semi-alive spider inside your body after having seen an alien be eaten and knowing your brother is alive but controlled and may be sent to kill you. For kids! And of course the brain slug pool is under the school Do ya'll remember that Nick show about the bully who like, was about to die or was cursed, and he was a dog and only one kid could hear him and no one remembered him and he had to do a bunch of good stuff to be human again? Locking children into animal forms is a special kind of 90's torture I think Rachel/Tobias is a hard thing and good because someone needs to love this kid my word I appreciate Marco though. Hey shit head this is a dumb plan but you're my best friend so I'm in or what fucking ever. Asshole I liked Cassie's little speech about Mother Earth Marco named the band. Marco is a good shit, but what does it even mean that Jake's always been a Lizard? Are you calling him cold-blooded? Flaky? A bug eater? No family guest passes for the zoo? I don't know what Bush Gardens are but is this that? Roller Coasters and Monkeys Big Jim the gentle gorilla. Also bless Jake for riling Marco up Let's drive! hits wall Go right says Jake. Marco goes left You had a chance at a rhino Marco has a dark and tanned face Male siberian tiger. I assume if you turn into THAT animal, you can be a boy turning into a girl hyena or a girl becoming a boy turtle right? He's majestic and doesn't seem like he cares about you as long as you don't run Lol ya'll almost died from a tiger? Sure you did Jake's mom is a writer who is opposed to any TV but her own. Dad is a jokester. Is it Jake's mom who dies? I know a mom dies Dad is a doctor Cassie where are you did you get home from the zoo are you okay? Okay Rachel and Tobias are just a thing already ok. Oh cool the cop has Cassie I fear for her We are Controllers. We are here to... Kandrona, Please give us the girl for... evil? Great plan If you're so advanced, why don't you have elevators- me at Akio So large underground city, small pool, cages 10 people per, aliens, construction equipment Can Tobias communicate with Cassie from where they are? Yeahhhh people volunteering to be controlled by evil alien slugs sounds sadly right. And hey, you get to watch TV Poor Tom. And Rachel is ready to fuck shit up. One alien of each two kinds dead, and a human controller flung somewhere to maybe live? Elephant and Tiger time And Marco is a gorilla Later you would think about this moment WHY WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TOM'S FREE AND WE'RE SAVING CASSIE RIGHT? Can horses stairs? V3 thinks they're Andalites. Ouch. Also where's Ax? 8 legs and 8 arms with 3 fingered claws, and 8 heads, tall as a tree. Vriska's aliensona Oh good and it shoots fireballs from its mouth Mouths Jesus Marco just twisted a guy in half and his guts spilled out. Alien guy but still Gotta love half morphed elephant ladies with shriveled trunk faces Something happened to the cop, and Cassie won't say what. Hum Tom is captured again. But you all saves One (1) human woman. It's a fucking start kids. And Tobias done fucked up. Wonderful. End Book #1. 

Oh cool now I can finally start listening to Morph Club, an Animorph pocast by some cool kids

[charmingturkeysandwich]

Knock, Knock Ch. 22: The Long Way Home

Forgive the transit fantasies (USA doesn’t have as many trains as I’m suggesting), but I hope you like this chapter! Stuff is on the horizon.

Read on AO3.

Read from the beginning on Tumblr (links to next chapter at the end of each).

“I think you two are the only non-terrorists I’ve ever known to wind up on the no-fly list.”

Ugh. Leave it to Ruby to find this very terrible predicament they were in just so damn funny.

After security had escorted them out of the airport and Ruby had found them sulking on the curb of long-term parking, Killian had just assumed that he and Emma would laugh it off and enjoy the rest of their vacation (well, the start of it, really). But Emma’s cheeks were still burning red, even an hour after the incident, and the weight of the logistical nightmare they were now dealing with – you know, how the hell do you get the whole way across the country without a plane? – well, he wasn’t exactly laughing it all off himself.

The plus side: Emma wasn’t mad at him. Nor was he mad at her. They knew they were doing something stupid and they were clearly both willing participants. If anything was to blame it was their hormones. Or something. But the downside: not being mad at each other doesn’t make the other glaring problems go away.

“And, what, you’ve got a lot of terrorist buds out there?” Emma snarked back, the first words she’d actually spoken since Killian regaled the Washingtonians with their tale of love, lust, and losing their right to take domestic and international flights for an undetermined amount of time.

“Hey, I’m proud! Wasn’t too long ago you didn’t care enough about anyone to risk that kind of nightmare. It’s a good thing when baby’s in love.”

“Baby is in a fucking mess, thank you very much, Ruby.” Emma was tapping at her phone furiously, whether it be taking out her frustration on Angry Birds or researching alternative forms of travel - Killian couldn’t be sure.

“I might be able to get you on a flight if one of my fancy doctor friends is headed East,” Whale offered, only mostly failing to hide his amusement at this whole… thing.

He was a good guy, Whale. He was good for Ruby and he made such a genuine effort to be part of things, when other boyfriends might be jealous of the circle of friends their girlfriend maintained – especially if it included attractive men. But Whale wasn’t like that. He truly did want to help Killian and Emma, and, more importantly: he was trying to wait until they weren’t in front of him to burst out laughing.

That’s a good man for you.

Emma groaned. “No, it’s OK. Killian has meetings he absolutely can’t miss and I have a lot of preparing to do, so we can’t just wait around until the perfect coincidence happens. It looks like there are train routes the whole way from here to Boston, but it’ll take…” Emma paused, scrolling through what was likely a travel site on her phone. “Almost three full days.”

“But you were only going to be here for four days!” Ruby cried, the gravity of the situation actually hitting her. Finally.

“Looks like that’s been reduced to one. Think you can condense that massive schedule of yours?”

“Fine. But there will be zero time for sleep. Or any more closet sex. You hear me?”

“Loud and clear,” Killian mumbled, entwining his fingers with Emma’s as they locked eyes and telepathically agreed they were idiots.

-

They were literally the world’s biggest idiots.

Who the fuck gets kicked out of an airport for having sex in a closet? It’s not like anyone saw them. It’s not like they were hurting anyone. But it was “inappropriate” and “not tolerated” and all kind of other condescending shit from a TSA agent who was so clearly not getting any.

It was their fault. That much wasn’t lost on her. But her anger still wouldn’t subside. Why could life be like movies, where the couple joins the mile high club in the fucking airplane and when they leave the bathroom they just get a knowing smirk from a fellow passenger and an eye roll from a flight attendant?

Nope, in real life you get caught and banned from flying for 6 months. Or something. She wasn’t quite listening about the details since she was so busy trying to figure out how the fuck they were going to get themselves home.

And things weren’t any better now that she’d found the solution. Miraculously the airline did refund their return trip money, so the $450 in train tickets were covered by money already spent. But three days on a series of trains that probably smelled like stale food and feet? Not exactly the happy vacation Emma had been planning.

They could use that time to their advantage, of course. Emma wouldn’t be flying solo as much when it came to organizing the schedule for the summer, since Killian would be trapped at her side. And they really were about to be apart from each other and insanely busy for quite a stretch of time. So while she’d have loved to spend those 3 extra days with Ruby and Whale… well, at least she wouldn’t be alone.

How weird, not being alone.

Finally.

Ruby whisked them off to her ridiculously fancy loft (“Quite an upgrade from our shitty apartment, huh?” “There are more perks to dating a doctor than him knowing anatomy” “Ruby!”), and the still-mortified pair dropped their bags in the guest room before Ruby promptly opened her cell phone and started re-plotting. Reservations were cancelled and rebooked, new friends were texted and weather was checked and before Emma even had a chance to check her makeup, Ruby was herding them out the door and into an Uber she’d apparently had hailed three minutes before.

“You’d better get ready for a whirlwind, sweetheart!” Ruby flipped her perfectly coiffed ponytail and yanked open the Prius door, motioning for Emma and Killian to slide into the back with her as Whale took the front. He politely shook the driver’s hand – a college kid, without a doubt – and murmured something low about a ‘very promising opportunity’ and suddenly she was feeling like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, having her own personal chaperone for the day, with some very important strings attached (did this mean the night would end in singing Benny & The Jets on a bar? Because that level of humiliation was nothing compared to what she’d just suffered).

Catching Emma’s train of thought, Ruby whispered, “it’s easier to have one driver than a thousand. This kid has been our little cabbie before. He’s cool!”

What on Earth were they getting themselves into?

 The first part of their one-day adventure was all legs. Sure, the Uber kid stuck around to get them the long distances, but everything else was pure sprinting: through the Museum of Pop Culture and Pioneer Square, up Queen Anne Hill to Kerry Park to stare at the Space Needle, and then, of course, to the Needle itself. They took a ferry and stared at the big Ferris Wheel, without stopping to ride it (“I’d have loved to kiss you at the top, love,” Killian had said. “Don’t you think we’ve had our fill of kissing this trip?” she’d responded, smacking his chest for good measure). Finally, they’d moved on to the eating portion of the evening, grabbing coffee at Storyville (“Starbucks is for tourists!” -Whale) before devouring pizza at Serious Pie. Emma may or may not have taken a nap in the Uber, the poor college kid yawning himself, until they hit the clubbing stage, Ruby introducing her to more people in the span of one hour than she’d met in the previous two years.

Drinking was a bad idea. They were barely going to sleep before they had to be at the train station. But fuck it all, Emma had come to Seattle to have fun with her best friend, to take a break from stressful reality, to let loose and just be. And it seemed Sober Emma was actually the more dangerous when it came to breaking international rules of travel and shit, so what was really the worst that could happen with Drunk Emma?

-

It had been the most glorious day. His legs were sore, so deeply sore he’d feel it for weeks, but they’d taken him to some truly incredible places. His lungs were still burning from all the steps and hills and finally the dancing, but maybe a 24-hour speed vacation was exactly what he’d needed. It’s simple. Efficient. And most of all it filled him with a carefree joy he couldn’t remember having since probably his first date with Emma.

Not because his life hadn’t been full of joy since then. It was quite the opposite actually. And truthfully, even that first date wasn’t carefree. No, it had been bliss, but it was also worry. Worry that may have been entirely unnecessary, but had existed nonetheless. But this day: the worst had already happened. He and Emma had landed themselves on the no-fucking-fly list. Was there really a lower low than that? No! So Ruby did what Ruby was best at: she lifted them up and showed them the goodest good time imaginable.

Seeing Emma’s face when they got a glimpse of Mount Rainer from the top of that hill, watching her discover weird and wonderful food, experiencing the pure hilariousness of her trying to convince a bouncer that she was that doctor from House and was obviously on the VIP list – he’d never trade any of that for his freedom to fly on a plane. Never.

(He’d also enjoyed the way Emma had sipped at her rum just a little too often, had let her inhibitions go and had danced against him like they were in some semi-dirty fairy tale at a slightly risqué ball. But that wasn’t specific to the Experience of Seattle or of Hurricane Ruby. That was just Emma, pure, joyous, Drunk Emma.)

For as nearly-royal as she’d looked at the bow of a Seattle ferry, her eyes serene and her golden hair whipping in the wind – well she’d looked the exact opposite now. The college kid had finally had his fill of Whale’s very deep pockets and they’d called for a new driver, an older, fabulously snarky lady by the name of Ursula. She’d vowed deep revenge if Emma tossed her cookies in the shiny semi-new vehicle and half-asleep Emma had mumbled something about Ursula sounding like a fire-breathing dragon. Killian had tried to cough over her words to muffle the half-insult, but Ursula had simply responded: “you have me confused with Mal. I’m the sea witch, and I’ll drown your sorry ass. Got it?”

Emma kept her mouth shut after that one.

They’d gotten back to Whale and Ruby’s place with no more than two hours to nap before their appointment with Pacific Railway or whatever the fuck company was shuttling them across the damn country.

“’Least we’ll see some more of ‘merica. It’ll be patriotic,” Emma mumbled through her knotted, frantic hair, echoes of a few entry stamps having rubbed off from the back of her hand to the apple of her cheek.

“Of course, sweetheart. We’ll sing the Star Spangled Banner through each state we pass. And then I’ll sing some God Save the Queen and really confuse people.”

“Oh, shut up, you stupid Brit or I’ll throw your tea in the ocean!” The threat might have been a little more believable if she hadn’t yawned through it.

Killian wobbled slightly but made it out of the car and pulled Emma along with him. Whale and Ruby – tightly holding on to each other either for cuddling or for structural integrity – unlocked the flat and followed them inside.

The tiredness was setting in pretty heavily so the group of them mostly just mumbled their thanks (and apologies) to each other, the girls getting somewhat weepy in their drunk-to-hungover emotional daze, and they all said their goodbyes since there was no way Ruby and Victor would wake up before Emma and Killian had to bolt.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Emma whined, stroking Ruby’s hair.

“I miss you already,” she responded, reaching her hand out to poke Killian. “You, too, mister.”

-

BEEP BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP BEEP

God, she’d thought she liked ferries but these ships wouldn’t shut the fuck up. And why were they trying to make port in Ruby’s spare room, anyway?

A body shuffled behind her, pushing and poking at her as it stirred.

Killian, right?

“Emmaaaaaaaaa.”

Why wasn’t he more alarmed there was a damn ship in their house? No, Ruby’s house. Where was Ruby?

BEEP BEEP BEEP

“Get uuuuup.”

BEEP BEEP BEEP

“Why won’t the ship stop? This isn’t the harbor!” Emma insisted, still unable to pry her eyes open.

She shifted, trying to roll toward Killian so he might do something about this mess. Which was when she moved her head and realized the ship might have run over her skull because holy hell it hurt.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

“Emma Swan, where is your fucking phone.”

Damn, Killian was angry. It wasn’t her fault the ship was…

Her hand grazed over something cool and hard and vibrating.

Her phone.

It wasn’t a ship ruining her nap. It was her phone. Alerting her that she needed to wake up and begin their extremely long journey home.

Once she was physically capable of silencing the alarm, Emma dismissed it and mumbled a few apologies to Killian, kissing all over his cheeks and ears and neck to coax him out of his slumber a bit more nicely.

God, why did they think it was a good idea to act like there was no fucking tomorrow the night before? If you’re going to behave like the world is ending, you damn well better make sure it is. And not that you’re beginning three full days in a tiny train seat (well, several tiny train seats, but that was beside the point).

“Good morning, Swan,” Killian groaned, dropping a kiss on her forehead before sitting up the whole way.

“It’s… morning. I’ll give you that.”

The two of them didn’t have much to do in the form of packing, considering they’d barely had any time to unpack. So they were out grabbing a muffin and some non-chain coffee and hailing a cab within a half hour, giving them plenty of space before their departure time to ensure there weren’t any more travel tragedies in one trip.

“So what’s the game plan?” Killian asked, opening the calendar app in his iPad.

“Well, I have a lot of calls to make to confirm reservations and catering and all that boring crap. But I’m thinking we should sleep off the tornado first? Then we can divvy up responsibilities and get as much done as possible during whatever’s left of the ‘work’ day.”

“Look at us, being all business-y,” Killian smirked, his eyes practically twinkling with pride.

“Killian, I can still smell the vodka seeping out your pores. We’re not exactly in the running for Power Team of the Year.”

“Oh, darling, if there’s anything I learned at Uni, it’s that the important stuff is even greater an accomplishment when you do so while still having fun. ‘Work hard; play hard,’ right?”

“OK, but I’m getting too old to play quite that hard. It was fun, but once we’re on that train I’m going to be out of commission for quite a while.”

“Worth it though?”

She scooted over their bags and took the iPad off his lap, sliding herself into its place. “Always worth it.” She kissed him just passionately enough to convey her feelings – but held herself back so as to keep them from making a scene. (Again.)

-

Wasn’t time supposed to pass more bloody quickly when you were busy?

They’d been on this damned smelly train for what felt like three days already. When it reality it had been only five hours.

They’d slept the first two, but the rails were bumpy or shaky and there was an odd amount of non-mechanical noise considering it was quite early in the morning and it was a long trip. There was a pack of excited schoolkids somewhere prattling on about the goings on of high school. And a couple of businessmen were making slews of phone calls. And a woman toward the front of the car seemed to be playing therapist to her sister who may or may not have slept with her boss and her boss’s cousin? It would have been mildly entertaining if Killian had been at all wanting to be in the world of the living.

Emma was even crankier about it all. He’d gotten out her headphones and she’d shoved them in her ears so hard she might have sustained ear drum damage, but neither of them could get back to sleep, so with the sun still low in the Eastern sky, they started their work.

Emma had made calls and crafted innumerable emails. Killian had checked in with the most recent clients to make sure everything had been satisfactory and to encourage them to write a review. He scheduled a few drafts for the Instagram posts he wanted to put up between now and when he was traveling to take care of the insurance and ownership stuff. It had been three solid hours of getting shit done like procrastinators before a deadline… but when it came down to it, their deadline wasn’t approaching all that fast. Their destination wasn’t approaching all that fast. The only thing that seemed imminent was their combined loss of sanity.

So they agreed to take a little breather. They played some HangMan. Some Alphabet Game. Some Name that Tune and Guess the Celeb and even some I Spy – which didn’t go so well in the spans of uninhabited land.  They finally resorted to playing a few phone apps until their eyes were bugging out from the lack of sleep and excessive screen time. And all that had taken…

Two hours.

They were never going to survive this.

-

It was so good to be spending time with Killian. It was. And they’d been so productive! And had a bit of fun, too.

But lord help her, Emma was about to go to jail for hitting a teenager with his own selfie stick (who even used those anymore?!). She was hungover, tired, and irritable. She was still angry at herself for her inability to keep it in her pants in an airport. And she was deeply thankful for the previous day’s wonderful adventures but sadly those moments were in the past and her present and near future were all mumbling kids and rigid, uncomfortable seats, and trying desperately not to take out any of her frustration on poor Killian who didn’t deserve any of it.

(He’d been her punching bag before and she refused to let that happen again. Not for anything, but especially not when he was suffering just the same as her.)

After Killian had (seemingly intentionally) lost their last life on Candy Blast Mania, Emma took her phone back and put it in her pocket, reaching back over Killian to put away all their other devices and notebooks and any real sign of business.

Deep breath. (This could go badly.)

“Let’s play hypothetical future.”

“Hypothetical?”

“Yeah. Like pillow talk. But, you know, ugly train cushion talk.”

Killian looked half-terrified, which was probably fair. They didn’t talk much about the future. And he’d always been justifiably afraid of her castle-like walls and overstepping and scaring her into bolting.

But that wasn’t her. Not anymore.

“You sure you want to open that door?”

“Babe, I think once you’re on the no-fly list together, you’re pretty solidly in it. Just saying.”

“OK, soooo. Where would you live? If you could choose anywhere.”

“Probably some tiny-ass cottage in the woods away from people like in Snow White. But I’d hire seven servants to cook me food instead of the other way around.”

“What, you don’t trust me to feed you?” Killian quirked his eyebrow adorably, and her heart skipped like she was a twelve year-old sitting next to her crush on the school field trip.

“Oh, they’d feed you, too. We’d be busy doing other things.”

“Other things?”

“Running businesses. Getting kicked out of more places for indecency. The usual. Where would you want to live?”

“Other than on my ship? Probably back in Ireland. It’s breathtaking there. You know I spent most of my childhood in England, but I did have some family near Dublin and I was totally in love. Thought about going there during a few of my darker moments, but I thought that was a place better saved for happier times.”

“Look at you having optimism!” Emma squeezed his cheeks and he scowled at her in return.

“Well, good thing I did or I’d have never found you.” His eyes were bloodshot and so very tired, but she could still see the sincerity there (nothing hypothetical about that).

“I don’t know. I’ve never been very optimistic and I still found you.”

“Nah. You had it on the inside all along. I know you well enough to know that much.”

Instead of answering, Emma tucked her head under his chin, hugging him as closely as she could in the cramped, shaky train seat. “Maybe.”

-

The hours passed much more quickly – and far less painfully – as they named their hypothetical dogs and bought their hypothetical cars and planned their hypothetical vacations. It was soothing to sink into the world of fantasy closely enough related to reality to believe it all could be true in some nebulous someday.

(Hopefully one not too distantly in the future, if Killian had anything to say about it.)

More than once he thought of bringing up their business partnership, of telling her about his intentions to make that far more official – but then he remembered exactly who he was talking to. Emma was soothed by the fantasy part of their pillow talk, of the ability to be honest without it really mattering since it wasn’t imminently real. If he were to have broken that fantasy with talks of actual upcoming real-ness, she very well might have snapped.

(Another part of him, the hopeful part, probably, whispered that she might have been perfectly fine with it. That telling her now might have been the better choice for Future Killian if he didn’t want Future Emma to hate him. But he ignored that hopeful bastard living somewhere deep in his chest and just kept on laughing about Emma’s list of retirement plans, one of which involved raising goats and another being an investigator for Interpol.)

That evening they had a couple hours to kill in a transfer, so they feasted on burgers and absolutely no alcohol, walking around for as long as possible afterward to combat the stiffness in their sore legs. The next train was larger, more comfortable, and for that they were endlessly grateful. They could stretch out as they typed away on their laptops, working on some more business stuff before the time came to sleep.

It wasn’t the worst night’s sleep he’d ever had – at least he’d been afforded the opportunity to sleep the whole night, unlike the previous one – but he slept fitfully, having odd nightmares about tortured baby bears and malls that were booby trapped with IEDs. Emma seemed to have gotten slightly more deep sleep than him, her bright smile oddly radiant when he finally opened his eyes.  They pulled out the tray table in front of them (yes, this one actually had some accommodations beyond a toilet and some bags of chips for sale), and less angrily got to work.

 The next two days passed much the same: sleeping, eating, playing Boggle on their phones, watching movies, and planning out details of their upcoming excursions. Emma had been a miracle worker, getting their schedule almost totally solidified for the summer. She’d worked around all the other community camps to make sure they had the potential for good turnout. She’d partnered with the local daycares and even a Vacation Bible School to have different little outings specifically for them outside of the public camps. Killian had never known Emma to be a particularly religious person, but her enthusiasm at planning how to turn his “pirate” ship into Noah’s Ark was nothing short of adorable – especially when she squealed over the possibility that one of Mary Margaret’s friends might even be able to bring a few animals to the ship for the day, so long as Emma was OK with having to clean their messes.

It’s not like the three days passed quickly necessarily. But they passed without torture. The West Coast slowly but surely became the East Coast and a very tired and sore Emma and Killian were hailing an Uber to take them from the train station to the airport – just so they could pick up the car and keep on driving back home.

It was probably 3am when they finally pulled into the tiny parking lot of their shabby little apartment building. Emma had drank about five cups of coffee and was still on her last leg. And Killian had been using one of his “pirate” rings from his luggage to pinch himself conscious.

 It had been a long fucking journey, but they were finally home to sleep in their bed.

Well, one of their beds, anyway.

The exhaustion was so deep, he didn’t even pay attention to which door he unlocked or where he threw his bags (and hers) – he only knew that for the first time in four days, he and his love were finally sleeping in a damn bed. And nothing had ever felt so good.

-

When Emma woke up, Killian was already gone.

She knew that had been the plan. The reason they’d had to take the marathon of trains home in the first place was because Killian had an appointment he’d had to get to. But Emma had assumed he’d wake her up in the morning – intentionally or otherwise – so she could at least see him off. But no, she’d slept until almost noon and he was probably already waiting at the insurance guy’s office and she was left to make breakfast all by herself.

The quiet was oddly comforting, after several days of absolutely no privacy.

Emma decided on something simple for breakfast – a pair of Pop-Tarts and a nice large mug of coffee – and some Netflix to top it off. There were new Kimmy Schmidt episodes to watch, but Killian wouldn’t forgive her cheating if she watched without him, so she put on an old crime procedural and just zoned out.

It was at least three episodes in before she realized something odd. There wasn’t actually any reason she couldn’t have gone with Killian now. She’d gone into Wonder Woman mode on the business planning and everything she’d been slated to take care of while Killian was off having his meetings… well, they were already done. Emma really had nothing to do beyond a few confirmations and details that could have been coordinated from anywhere – and yet Killian hadn’t asked her to go with him. And he knew how productive she’d been.

He was exhausted, just like her. And she hadn’t realized it until he was hours and hours gone. So that’s probably what happened with him, too.

Right?

The partners on the screen were having some arguments and tension related to miscommunication and misunderstanding and it was all very cliché for these kinds of shows, but quite honestly it was giving Emma some paranoia, so she switched over to Forensic Files and figured if there was anything on that show that reminded her of her relationship with Killian… well, let’s just say that meant she had bigger problems.

She texted him after a case involving a footprint in a hamburger bun, and he texted back a few emojis and exclamations of disbelief. He tried to call her a half hour later, but of course that happened to be when she was in the shower.

So she tried to call him back, but it turned out he’d had another meeting that day and he was in a dead zone on his way to driving there. He called her once he had service and they talked for a couple minutes about some hilarious panicking texts Killian had received from David about his impending fatherhood before Killian had to head into the meeting. When he was out of it, he texted Emma asking if it was a good time for him to call her back, but she was out shopping with Mary Margaret for baby items – apparently it was a two-man job since you needed to look up safety ratings and consumer reviews while walking through the store. (Of course, Emma knew why David had made an excuse to get out of that task the second they walked into the store and Mary Margaret started barking like a drill sergeant.)

She texted him when she was relieved of her shopping duties, but Killian had been on the phone with Will – apparently there’d been some issue with Belle? And before Emma could wonder too long about it, Belle showed up at her door asking for a place to stay.

Ten minutes later the wine was poured and the PJs were on and the words were finally flowing. “So the landlord needed me out for just a couple of days because they had to entirely turn off the water. To the whole building! So I just kind of assumed he’d let me stay with him and he panicked and called me a gold-digger or something ridiculous like that. And then accused me of moving too fast! Emma, I literally just wanted to sleep there. Which, by the way, I have done. Many times!” Belle gulped down her very full glass of wine all in one motion. “I wasn’t suggesting anything. I just needed a place to crash. It’s not like it doesn’t… benefit him, if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, Belle, everyone knows what you mean.” Emma good naturedly rolled her eyes at Belle’s attempt at euphemism – it was odd to think of a badass who’s busted up drug rings and organized crime as so innocent at times. But she was sweet down to her core, and truly at a loss for words when it came to Will’s unfortunately predictable behavior.

“Here’s the thing,” Emma started, taking a long breath. “Will’s… kind of like me. He’s been burned before. He was pretty guarded – just in a different way. An assier way if you recall. But that’s what it was. He had walls. And you brought those down! Or at least a lot of them. But now he’s panicked. You stay over after you try half the Kama Sutra and that’s no big deal. But you actually plan to sleep at his house, no post-coital bliss and sleepiness to cover the reality, and his instincts kick back in. I’m not saying it was OK of him to behave that way. I’m just telling you – it’s not you. And I know that sounds cheap and horrible and believe me, I’m down for TPing his place if that’s what would make you feel better. But I think you guys have something good! And I don’t want his knee-jerk reaction make you think he’s only … a jerk, I guess.”

Belle was quiet for a long time, just staring intently at the lipstick stains on her wineglass and the fingerprints she and Emma had both left on the stem. Belle’s brows furrowed and she shook her head like she was trying to erase the memory of the last day and finally she looked back up at Emma. “He’s being an ass and I’m not happy about it. But you’re right. He’s probably just reacting badly because… well, because of the past. I’ll talk to him. You know, after he sweats it a while, right?”

“Right.”

Emma grabbed the wine bottle and they each had just a splash more, before finding a nice revenge movie on Netflix and going to sleep.

-

He’d only been away from Emma for a little over a day and he was going nuts already. They’d texted a little here and there and had gotten brief little phone calls in between all their obligations and unscheduled craziness (Belle and Will were certainly talk-blockers this time rather than the other thing). He wanted to hear her voice and hold her and just exist for a while.

You know, before he told her that he’d legally signed over half his business to her without her knowledge.

That hopeful part of him had risen up on his drive to the city. It had crawled from the back of his heart right up to the front of his brain and said you idiot I’m not some optimistic fool; I’m actually your fucking voice of reason, dumbass (his voice of reason was apparently very profane now that he’d been so vehemently ignored). And Killian knew it was right, too – Emma was going to be confused as hell at best – and very possibly infuriated at worst. Who gives someone half a business without fucking consulting them first? He was a damn, daft fool who was apparently so afraid of fucking something up that he was inadvertently fucking it up even faster.

Fuck.

Hopefully she’d have some free time when he got home. Hopefully they could cook a meal together and take a walk and make fun of Will & Belle and Dave & Mary Margaret. Hopefully they’d connect and relax and have time to just be themselves before he dropped the goddamn bomb that could put a giant fucking crater in the middle of their relationship.

He’d stopped to get gas about a half hour from home and shot her a text (can’t wait to see your beautiful face, love), but hadn’t gotten a response. She was probably on the phone with Belle or caught up with Netflix or charging her phone in the other room. It was impossible that she was already mad at him for something she didn’t know about yet.

Or could she have found out somehow? His lawyer assured him that they didn’t need her information or signature at that time in order to name her part owner. Could he have sent something to her that was meant for the lawyer? Did he accidentally call and confess in his sleep?

He was so caught up in his worst-case-scenario spiral that he almost missed the fire truck roaring up behind him, its sirens blasting and its lights flashing.

Damn, he was clearly in a pretty deep panic spiral if he almost missed that coming up behind him. He forced a few deep breaths and focused totally on the road – he was only about five miles away, so he’d have the relief of seeing happy, normal, not-yet-mad-at-him Emma in just a few minutes. He could deal for that long.

But less than one song length later, more flashing lights popped up in his rearview mirror. He pulled over by the local golf course as two more fire trucks and three police cars passed him. Jesus, was the whole town burning down or something?

He called out to his phone and triggered the voice dial to call Emma – she’d been with Belle who would obviously have a scanner. She’d know what was going on.

But it went to voicemail.

Emma had always been intrigued by these kinds of things – she’d worked alongside law enforcement, after all. Maybe Belle had gotten called to the scene and Emma had tagged along.

(Killian loved how passionate Emma could be about solving crime, righting wrongs. If they made enough in his/their business endeavor, she really could retire into a life of intelligence briefings and investigating or something.)

He finally saw the smoke when he passed the gas station at the edge of town. It was mostly gray on the outsides with some white puffs throughout, but there was a menacing plume of pure black right in the middle. It was still far off – there were blocks of houses and trees between himself and the smoke – but it was definitely within the town limits. People were gathered all over the place, just staring, pointing, doing what people do when something terrible is occurring (just like what he was doing, in all technicality).

Killian kept driving, curving around the mayor’s house and past the high rise for retirees, across the painted 5K race finish line and through the stretch of Chestnut Street that really needed some renovating.  The smoke was getting closer – he could smell it even though his windows were rolled up – and one more sharp left turn later… that’s when the flames were visible.

As was the building the flames were bursting from.

It was his building.

(Theirs.)

The whole roof of the three-story building had caved, most of the damage coming from the East side on the second floor. Charred bricks were falling as flames licked up the structure, smoke twirling through unseen tunnels caused by temperature changes and drops in pressure. The windows had blown out on all floors – including the second and third ones back from the front on the first floor, also known as his window and Emma’s.

A blockade was set up about a hundred feet around the building on all sides, so there was no way he’d be able to get to their parking lot to drop his vehicle. Instead of trying to beg his way past the emergency crews, he pulled into a church lot a block or so away and leapt out of the vehicle without so much as locking it behind him. He frantically tapped at his phone, trying to get to his recent calls to just fucking hit redial, but his fingers were shaking so bad he hit the wrong contact twice (sorry Will). He finally tapped the right line, but Emma’s phone just rang and rang, the cheery lilt of her voicemail message grating at him during this very non-cheerful moment.

The bed and breakfast near their apartment didn’t have any caution-taped Do Not Enter warnings, so he sprinted in that direction, ducking under bushes and through swing sets to get to their parking lot without drawing any attention.

Maybe Emma had gone out with Belle. Maybe she’d been far away and wasn’t inside burning with all of Killian’s worldly possessions.

(He couldn’t watch his heart burn. Not again.)

He hoped and he prayed to every God known to Earth, but lo and behold, when he turned the corner to his building’s designated lot, that silly yellow Bug was parked exactly where Emma always left it.

Fuck.

Killian had thought that today’s worst outcome would be living in a world where Emma was mad at him.

It hadn’t crossed his stupid fucking mind that he could wind up living in a world without her.